Interview with a damn-liar

Excerpts from my first (Mr. Know-it-all), and probably last, interview.*

 

I’ll call my interviewer Q… like in the Bond movies but this isn’t same person. And I’ll be playing the part of A. Because I’m considered an… uh. I’ll be A.

 

Q. Did you write as a child?

A. When I was a child I wrote as a child…

Q. Good line.

A. It’s from a movie, Wings of Desire.

Q. Okay then. What did you do as a child?

A. I stared at the television a lot, even when it wasn’t on. That’s when I saw them… these spectral like… these ghostly images moving across the screen… sometimes peering at me. That’s when I knew there were others in my house… Then I figured out it was my parents, I was just seeing their reflection in the screen. They told me later they were checking to see if I still had a pulse. I don’t remember if I did or not, have… have a pulse, but I’m pretty sure I did.

Q. Um, okay. Were those your first memories?

A. No. My first memories were of the confusion of… birth. It was cold and somebody was slapping me around, first thing, I didn’t even have time to do something wrong, just pow! And I was tryin’ to figure out why I got evicted. I was quiet, non-smoker, no pets or loud parties. And then this guy cuts the cord. ‘Hey pal. Whatcha doin’ that for? Now, I’m stuck here.’

Q. Uh huh. What do you parents think about you now?

A. They don’t. They’re dead, cremated. I didn’t have much money then, so I took care of the arrangements myself. A burn can and a bag of self-starting briquettes… but it was nice. There was music. My neighborhood if there was a burn can and an open flame on the sidewalk a half dozen folks would show up and start singing.

Q. Did you have brothers and sisters?

A. That wasn’t up to me.

Q. No… Did your parents have any other children?

A. I… never… asked. I tried to respect their privacy.

Q. Grandparents?

A. Oh yeah. They were together to the end… she was a stewardess and he was… the Safety Officer… on the Hindenburg.

Q. And great grandparents?

A. Oh, that’s a stretch. They were good, but not everyone would claim they were great.

Q. Okay. Where did you go to school?

A. Um, I went to a school at this rectangular building with a playground and some fields right next to it. It was a couple of block from my house and a bunch of other kids were there too, so it was ideal for uh, school. Ya know.

Q. Tsk, all right. Do you have any photos I can use for this article?

A. I have one photo, but there is some controversy surrounding it.

Q. I’m afraid to ask, but what kind of controversy?

A. Some people have suggested it’s just a Sasquatch in a human suit, but that’s neither been proven nor disproven.

Q. Okay, that’s it.

 

* This was a project a friend was given for a journalism class: interviewing a difficult subject. I’m keeping these answers for my first ‘real’ interview. Thanks to all, Mr. Know-it-all…

Mr. Know-it-all Buys A Used Car

In these times of overvalued new cars and bleak employment outlook it pays to know how to buy a used car. Most of us are only three paychecks away from homelessness (finding the ideal location for a cardboard box will be covered in a future article). Because of this ’state of the union’ being prepared to downsize from an SUV that burns premium unleaded gasoline at a rate equivalent to a space shuttle launch to a more moderate coal burning, vehicle the size and make up of a Red Flyer Wagon is imperative.

To truly appreciate the vehicles on today’s market, one must make a trip to the local new car dealership. That’s right new. Initially, a salesman will ask you a lot of unnecessary and invasive questions about your employment history, wages earned, and if you have a valid driver’s license. At this early stage in the process it is not wise to rant loudly, in a strange accent, “I only want to learn to steer, I don’t care about stopping…” Actions like this should be saved until you have taken the wheel and merged into the fast lane on the Interstate.

As for the financial queries required before the average dealer will allow you behind the wheel, use someone else’s information – like a parent or someone dead. If your salesman notices a distinct age disparity and comments that “you look 25 years old, not 58,” thank him or her, politely and tell them you represent the Ernest and Tava Borgnine Beauty System and would be willing to give them a complete free make over after they attend a 45 minute no-obligation seminar on the system. Rest assured your salesman will not bring up the subject again.

As you speak to the salesman try to impress upon him or her that you are not just some “tire kicking” techno-phobe. Elucidate on the marvels of the “ion-free radial fermentation” engine, asking when are they expecting to put an engine like that into their cars. Make things up. These people are salesmen, not engineers. Last week he or she was probably selling water beds so they will never know the difference.

Next will come your chance to sit behind the wheel in a showroom demonstrator. Play with every button and gadget on the dashboard. This will come in handy in a later step. Try to pull buttons off the dash explaining that you sometimes transport chimps and orangutans to the zoo and that “they just love to play with buttons.”

Tell the salesman you want to look under the hood as you fumble for the hood release. Wait until they step to front of the car to unlatch the hood, then lay on the horn. This never fails to amuse the rest of the sales staff and will show your salesman you are clever enough to find the best hidden of all gadgets in a car – the horn. If your salesman shows signs of stress at this moment, press the windshield washer button. As the stream shoots over the roof onto the sales manager’s desk you can innocently exclaim, “Oh, there it is!”

As you examine modern marvels under the hood point to each and every separate component in the engine compartment and ask your salesman, “What does that do?” This is done to impress upon your salesman that you aren’t going to buy anything superfluous. Tell them up front, “I don’t want to buy a car with an exhaust system, I want to make my own. Can I special order a car without that junk?”

Always check the primer under that factory coat of paint. A pocket knife or a key will let you get nose to bare aluminum. Ask your salesman how many different colors of primer you can get in that model. Paint is paint but primer is forever.

Now comes the road test. This is always the most fun. After you start the car turn the key again to the “start” position. As the engine makes that awful high pitched grinding noise ask the salesman, “Is that a knock I hear in the engine?”

Next, you will want to mash the accelerator to the floorboard and keep it there. As the engine begins to howl stare plaintively at the salesman and say, “This is how I always warm up a car.” In mechanics’ terms this is called “floating the values.” This is the automotive equivalent to that moment right before the Chernobyl meltdown, but that isn’t as much as fun as the look on the face of your salesman reflected in the red glow of the dashboard warning lights.

With the engine still screaming, slam the gear shift lever into “reverse” briefly and then into “drive.” As the white smoke billows out of the wheel wells, explain to the salesman that this is done to heat up the tires before pulling into traffic. Maximum traction is needed, given the number of “really stupid” drivers on the road.

As you approach the onramp to the freeway make sure to accelerate hard while oversteering. This will allow the rear wheels–on a rear wheel drive car–to lose traction leaving the car in a sideways free fall. You should be able to recover quickly by steering the same direction you are sliding. If not, you will end up on the raised divider next to the sign forbidding “pedestrians beyond this point.” You can then comment to your salesman, “Boy, for the price of this beast, you’d think she’d handle better.” If the car you are testing is a front wheel drive vehicle it may not slide as described, but it’s still good fun.

At some point you have to test the brakes. This is done by taking both hands off the wheel and slamming the brakes on full force. A maneuver like this can cause concern with the average car salesman, but explain that you used to drive in the demolition derby and usually had everything under control. This is done to evoke the salesman’s respect for your professional status and to once again giggle when you see that look of terror in the salesman’s beady eyes.

Testing the suspension is an important issue for any intelligent car buyer. The right side can be checked by turning quickly onto the curb where a driveway meets the street. Traveling at no less that 60 miles per hour, straddle the curb and turn quickly back into the lane. However, this test only provides some idea of one side’s capabilities.

Checking the left side suspension can be trickier. Some freeways have a concrete divider than is wider at the bottom than the top. If a driver can nudge this divider, ever so gently, it will leave the left side wheels momentarily free from the “surly bonds of gravity,” only to have your vehicle bounce back into traffic, abruptly. If any other driver dares to honk their horn, swerve at them quickly, and pull back just to “check this baby’s response.”

Last, but not least, any “good” suspension should be able to sustain a quick trip down a concrete stairway. This may evoke an irrational response you’re your salesman especially if you have to share that stairway with pedestrians or other drivers testing their suspension. Explain that you may buy a fleet of cars for a movie and ask if the salesman remembers what “The Blues Brothers” did for Chrysler.

After you have returned to the dealership, walk around the car several times and then hit the windshield with your fist stating, “If it won’t stand up to flesh and bone how can it be expected to stop a flying beer bottle at the ‘Handguns for Jesus’ rally?”

Now, you have one last card to play. Look your salesman in the eye and say, “I’m not convinced. Do you have any used cars that we can look at?” The average salesman will recognize your thorough nature and will offer you any car on the lot at a “significant price reduction” to avoid another test ride. If they are not willing to make an equitable deal remind your salesman of the nature of the “As Is” laws and tell them you don’t want to “get taken.”

Some salesman are truly unflappable and if you are unfortunate enough to meet any of these announce loud enough for everyone on the lot and passersby to hear, “I don’t know. Let me ask my ‘coven leader’ what he thinks.” If there is still no change in your salesman’s demeanor make a furtive move like you might be grasping for a firearm. If the salesman moves to intercept your feint, scream loudly about sexual harassment or fall to the ground like you are in the throes of some diabetic convulsion. If even this fails to produce some modicum of sympathy admit you’ve been bested

Then move to the next lot and repeat the process until “your price” has been proffered. And if anybody asks, tell ‘em Mr. Know-it-all sent ya.

Soldier’s Guide to Dating in Afghanistan

With the Abu Gharib Christmas Cotillion and Spring Mixer just around the corner it’s time to start the vetting process for a Summer date. Now that the available number of American females has been reduced by one (See: Courts Martial of Spc England) the need to start early is greater than ever. If you somehow don’t make the cut don’t lose heart. Do what military men have done for centuries. No, not masturbate, find a local girl to whisk away your heartaches. Being a former member of the military I can say without hesitation that most GIs want to carry firearms and have access to cheap booze and cigarettes in places where these luxuries can be put to good use. New Jersey springs to mind but the US military is no match for the Cosa Nostra, so why not declare war on Amsterdam or, at the very least, Nevada? But “ours is not to reason why.” So for those stationed in Southwest Asia who need to find a date amongst the locals here are a few tips. Finding a suitable date: Dating the local girls in Afghanistan isn’t like cruising the boardwalk with a friend’s cocker spaniel in hopes of meeting some babe wearing only a bikini and roller skates. The reason the Taliban made the Afghani women wear the burhka wasn’t to prevent lustful thoughts amongst the men. In fact, the head to toe covering encouraged men to fantasize about the female form lurking beneath that burlap tablecloth. Prior to that men were required to grow a full beard in order to determine males from females: with the short moustache and Elvis Presley sideburns usually indicative a female or the occasional eunuch (See: the Elvis in Hawaii Special). In Iraq dating the local girls presents a completely different problem: suicide bombers. Imagine your embarrassment if the little philly you brought to the “Green Zone” pub exploded next to the punch bowl. Places to go: The desert landscape is an acquired taste, much like lamb entrails. As an American, more used to some indications of civilization such as electric lights and pavement, the nearby “Lover’s Lane” could be a let down. The panorama at Sadam’s favorite KOA campground could prove to be as romantic as “Six Flags Over Hiroshima.” Stick to the “Green Zone” if possible. Gifts: What woman can resist Meals Ready to Eats (MREs)? This is a favorite gift of GIs to young women worldwide. The wax coated chocolate bars in the MRE are a consistent favorite amongst 6 to 11 year-old females. Beyond that age it gets trickier. Explosives is a favorite with the Muslim teenage girls and as they get older ammunition may replace detonation cord and plastique.  For the mother of your date keep it simple: C4 makes the perfect gift whether it’s for cooking, cleaning or getting the attention of one’s neighbor, US military issue plastic explosives is a welcome gift in any Middle Eastern household. One last note to remember on gifts: not everyone carries an AK-47. A thoughtful date will find out the correct calibers ahead of time. And bring enough for all members of the family. Nothing can be more heart wrentching than watching a dozen children gleefully packing magazines with 7.62 by .49 ammo while little Akmed stands by and presses his 9 mm Takarov to his tear-stained cheek wondering why he didn’t get a gift. Cleanliness: The concept of cleanliness in the Arab world is different from ours. Don’t worry: you’ll be clean enough for her but you might find that your date is less atuned to your sensitive western nose. Bring at least one full can of Lysol and be prepared to use it liberally. Additionally, consider bringing something to clear the air in close quarters: like a 3-speed fan or a smudge pot.  Deportment: When dating Muslim women keep in mind this simple rule: Muslim women are like underwear… once you’ve put it next to your skin nobody else wants it — so remember, if you touch it you’ve bought it. With these easy to follow guidelines you should have an enjoyable holiday season. If you can’t find a female the average Arab holds certain beliefs about young boys that are very different from ours. For tips on that consult my next chapter entitled, “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.” Oh yeah, if somebody asks you, tell ‘em Mr. Know-it-all sent ya.

Mr Know-it-all’s Guide to Home Despair… repair

Home repair is a topic that has created a mass media ground swell in the last decade.  It has, during that same period, been a statistically significant contributing factor to murder, suicide, divorce and conversion to religious faiths that favor living in trees

To properly attack a household alteration one has to have a plan, besides the obvious: punish my family and neighbors with noise, dust and language normally heard on commercial naval vessels at sea.  After a cogent and attractive plan is decided upon draw   it out on paper and decide how much you can afford to pay.

The next step: wad up the plan and throw it away.  It will never look like that.  Then, double your acceptable costs.  This is the real beginning point to every household improvement project.  Your plan will never be feasible, as envisioned, because the shear bulk of building codes are designed to keep contractors working, inspectors out of their offices, and homeowners in debt.  These conditions require homeowners to have several alternative plans

Plan A: A stands for Arson.  Torch the house and collect the insurance.  This should always be a last resort but never be ruled out completely.

Plan B: B stands for Brothel.  Turn the house into a brothel, torch it and collect the insurance (See plan A).

Plan C: there is no plan C.

Plan D: D stands for doghouse.  After the project is complete you may have enough lumber left over to build a sturdy doghouse.

With the planning stage completed you must make a list of all the tools needed for your project.  Every project requires a BFH.  For those unfamiliar with the jargon of the trade there will be many items that, for the sake of time and space available, are abbreviated.  Let me suffice to say, that a BFH is a type of large hammer and employees of any reputable hardware store will know this item by acronym alone.

The next tool needed is the saw.  Get the biggest one you can find.  One with huge whirling blades that can reduce any material to rubble, up to and included stuff found only at the center of neutron stars.  With this in mind, exercise extreme caution when using these cutting tools as fingers and arms are less sturdy than the concrete foundation you may be dicing into julienne-fries sized chunks.  Television programs that specialize in household projects make the use of saw look easy but they have many hours and multiple takes to get it right while the average home owner has a limited amount of time, fingers, and toes.  Evidence of such violence can be calculated by counting the number of technical advisors listed in the show’s credits named “Lefty.”

The next item for a project is the regular hammer.  These instruments are manufactured to hit the direct center of one’s thumb more often than the direct center of a nail.  This fact has little relevance given the nature of nail production.  Every third nail has a small segment of lead placed somewhere along its length.  This is done to increase the number of nails purchased by the home owner and to comply with federal statutes.

Painting can be a project by itself.  The painting industry has come to the aid of the average “do-it-yourselfer.”  Find an air-powered paint-gun that requires a 55-gallon container of liquid camouflage to guarantee maximum spray can be dispensed in the minimum amount of time.  Sit back in a lawn chair in the middle of the yard and turn the sprayer’s dial to the “hydraulic mining” setting.  Aim, press the button and enjoy the benefits of modern technology.  Cover everything with a thick coat of goo to insure small flaws in the exterior such as nicks, gouges, and missing trim will disappear beneath a luxuriant layer of smooth latex color.  Items that don’t hold paint well or that require sunlight to work (such as plants or windows) should be replaced at this time.  Taping and masking can make a homeowner crazy and windows need periodic updating, anyhow.

Color presents trouble to most men but never to women.  More men are color blind than women.  Shades of gray dominate a man’s world.  Even the names of colors baffle and embarrass most men.  Few men, not required to do so by profession or love, would volunteer “ecru” as a color descriptor.  While “brownish white” would be an acceptable term from the Professional Rodeo Circuit (forget “ Brokeback Mountain”) to the average NASCAR event.

If wood is needed for your project, remember the twin adages that apply to all wood products: if it looks good it’s not long enough and knots give wood character.  This means, wood putty can be a homeowner’s best friend.  Use it liberally to cover the dents from hammers, ragged edges from saws, and the indentations created from banging your head into your uncompleted project.

Projects that require items such as sheet rock, stone or bricks should be left to those professionals lacking one distinct physical feature: a neck.  General contractors are construction workers who figured out this fact early in their career.  When possible, let someone else do the heavy work, such as your children or, when available, illegal immigrants.  In other words, heavy or dangerous work should be contracted out to individuals who have no legal recourse against a homeowner.

Men be ready for problems with location.  Location is a major stumbling block to those lacking the textbook definition of taste and style (basically: all heterosexual men except for Hugh Hefner).  It has not been proven but I’m sure as the final stone was being set into place on the Great Pyramid of Giza one engineer’s wife pointed to a spot half a cubit to the left and asked quite innocently, “What do you think it would look like over there?”

Projects involving electricity should be tackled only by those whose significant other is competent in CPR.  The only good advice in regards to electricity I can proffer is this: if it smokes when current is applied it’s probably not correct.

Given this extensive list of requirements the average homeowner may ask: why should I do any home improvement project?   We do these projects for the same reason we close the lid on the toilet. Women have a taste and style all their own.  Most men don’t realize that they lack the genes for “interior design” until they share their live with the fairer sex.  The cave art at Lascoux was undoubtedly an early attempt at “keeping up with Og Jones” that spiraled out of control.

Once you’ve exhausted your budget, patience and that of your neighbors and family pickup the phone and open it to contractors’ listing and find a specialist in “home repair-repair.”  Then, take out a second mortgage to pay the professions to do what you, as the homeowner, should have done to begin with: hire somebody who knows what they’re doing.  Save yourself time, money, and your sanity… and if someone asks, tell ‘em Mr. Know-it-all sent ya.