Archive for January, 2007

The rest of the Shatner roast

January 31, 2007

Someone read the rest of my Shatner roast material-stuff I felt was too mean. They suggested I put all of my material in. So here it is…

Jason Alexander – he did for starring roles on TV what Ted McGinty did for co-starring roles. Betty White – she so old her first publicity shots can be found in Lascaux. Nichelle Nicols – She and Kirk shared the first inter-racial kiss on American TV.  So what, Kirk was stickin’ his winky into alien chicks who didn’t even live in this dimension.  As long as she had that part that went up and down, Kirk was ready to ‘boldly go where no man has gone before.’ And we never saw him wear protection, Just once I would’ve liked to see that med thing Bones was always carrying go off like a gieger counter when it came close to Kirk’s belt buckle. “Jim this is a star ship. Not a free clinic.” He’d be popping out penicillin like a Pez dispenser. Most people don’t realize that Nichele was the first black woman on American TV who didn’t serve white people food… but she also was the last black woman on American TV who didn’t do the ‘head-bobbing thing.’ Carrie Fischer is here.  She’s had more drugs running through her system than the coast line of Florida.  Artey – Radio side kick for Howard Stern… he’s just like Ed McMahon except Artey drinks a lot more.  Mel Gibson went on Howard Stern and suggested that Arty go into rehab. Kevin Pollack – Impressionists/impersonators these are people who are really boring as themselves.  So they pick somebody who has done something with their life and act like them.  Off screen he really is a crazy guy, in fact, they asked Kevin to play a role in “A Few Good Men” in order to make Tom Cruise look stable. Andy Dick – you might think it’s a case for ‘name is destiny’ but in fact he changed his name.  He was born Andrew Yourdicksinmeyeass but found Andy Dick was easier to say with his mouth full. Andy Dick’s still searching for the ultimate male enhancement system – he’s pretty much got the ‘sperm injection into the male colon’ crossed off the list… but he still has some hope. George Takai – This man lived in a city where sexual perfidity doesn’t just run through it, it sprints at Olympic speeds, and where careers are nutured on the sweat streaked leather of the casting couch.  And yet he hasn’t worked for forty years. George, you need to talk to your agent or Dr. Ruth.  You can’t be gay and THAT bad.  I’m not even sure you have to be conscious. (hey, can you call my agent when you’re done back there?  I’ve got a lunch meeting in 45…  Thumbing through magazines – whistles.) That’s like a pool cue in a garbage can.  And speaking of wide asses, if Lisa Lampanelli’s ass were a bridge you could drive from LA to Hawaii… eight lanes… with a grass divider Lisa Lampanelli – She’s had more black men in her than an Alabama chain gang — but then prison chain gangs have less turnover. I saw a pix on the internet of Lisa without any clothes and some nice black man was holding her up with just one arm… well, it looked like he was holding her up. You couldn’t really see his arm from the elbow down… Oh yeah, I met that guy the other day Lisa and he wanted to me ask you if you ever found his watch.  He said thanks for Rolex you gave him that next morning but it wasn’t his. Bill Shatner – Played many roles on TV but his most memorable was Captain Kirk. Kirk played with more alien tits than a gynocologist on Ellis Island. When Star Trek was first on TV some people complained about Shater’s portrayal of Kirk, that his acting was clumsy: they said things like Pinoccio was less wooden, Robot from Lost in Space had greater range, Mr Ed was more believable, Fred Flintstone was less animated, Arnold Zeffle the pig from Green Acres had a better singing voice (that one I happened agree with)… there was more but this is only an hour-long roast but they also said some good things: he was funnier than Ed Sullivan, they said his style wouldn’t spawn huge numbers of imitators… until Kevin Pollack received with an eviction notice…  in fact there were none until the residuals from “A Few Good Men” started to peter out. You see the television producer and executives didn’t want the dialogue to overshadow the characters in Star Trek – Marcel Marcau was their second choice for the role followed by Marlee Matlin as “Jamie” T. Kirk.  

But Shatner is an inspiration to actors everywhere he proved that an actor can have success after critical failure… after failure… after failure.

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Porn by the pound

January 13, 2007

I simply love the internet. It is a surreal vignette of the western world. And the ubiquitous, yet arcane nature of sex, couples (pardon the pun) with the private nature of the internet to create a playground for the empirically unattractive folks to vicariously experience the attentions of silicon sweeties in 21-inch-plasma screen two-dimensional pseudo reality. Yum-yum! But even that is so twisted sometimes it transends irony. For example: Everything is categorized. I wanted to test that. I put in—plus size, puerto rican, she male, urinating in public… the prompt came back: do you want pix or video? Hm… Then I found a stie where I could pick nudes from a particular school. I guess I’m okay with any school, except maybe Jesuit Seminary… I found a category called fisting. This is an interesting concept. A guy puts his hand in a woman’s vagina halfway up to his elbow… but he has to make a fist, I guess, for it to really be “fisting”…  but how can WE be sure? Maybe they should have to wear 24 ounce boxing gloves. Truth in advertising. Then there is “amateurs,” (as opposed to “professional”). This is a category born of digital cameras and Blue Label Schmirnov vodka. And then you find a category called “Bizarre” keeping in mind some of these people are professionals – professionals… she’s got her dress up over her head and she’s doing the splits over a coke bottle, but it’s done in a professional manner. Shoot, I wouldn’t even call it porn. Hey, she’s a professional.What is she? Bonded?  Then I found “amateur fisting”… but a guy with 24 ounce boxing gloves on and his hand up a woman’s vagina halfway to his elbow is hard to believe fits into ANY “amateur” category – color me jaded… then to make it interesting he shoves an axe handle up the woman’s ass… and he starts spitting fire wood… can you pick just ONE point along this erotic  journey where you began to doubt the veracity of the ‘amateur’ label? Me neither, until I looked at the “professionals”… a guy with 24 ounce boxing gloves on and his hand up a woman’s vagina halfway to his elbow…an axe handle up the woman’s rectum…he’s chopping firewood… and the woman is looking at the camera and smiling! “I hope you have as much fun masturbating to these photos as I did making them…” She doesn’t look like she’s have sex, she looks like she having her driver’s license photo redone. And tattoos galore. I can remember when the only tattooed female flesh I saw was in National Geographic – now women have “Open other end” in block letters tattooed on their their ass. “Demur Teen” You know somewhere after your second birthday it’s tough to look demur with ankles behind your head. Russian Porn: it would seem pornography is Russia’s leading export after air-borne beta-particle radiation. How about, Petite Pussy… If there IS another kind I’d really rather not know about it. Fat Girls: Hey, if I wanted to see a “fat girl” I’d go sit in the bathroom when I heard the shower kick on, okay? That’s why I’m cruising the internet. Lots of videos out there… the most wasted credit in porn: written by. Are they afraid they’re going to hire a method actor. “What’s my motivation?”“You’ve got an erection, she’s got a vagina… and action.”Based on true story. I saw some beautiful girl in an ad – “Gain 3 inches on your penis, no pills just a simple exercise.” That was a waste of 20 bucks… I’ve been doing these exercises for years.  HEY, get a smaller vagina…YOU do those excerises…“And no surgery“Hey, bet on that, girly. You come at my dick with anything sharper than your front teeth and you’ve got a fight on your hands… I’ll make Hanibal Lechter look like a WalMart Greeter. But this was the strangest of all. “The Fleshlight”“The Fleshlight is a special toy made for guys. Most toys you find out there, you stick your dick in and it feels like you’re fucking a plastic soda bottle. The Fleshlight is made of a soft material that you can warm up by soaking in hot water. Add some lube, stick your dick inside and feel the Fleshlight surround you. It’s so much different than jacking off.”Really? HOW? You’re alone and having sex…“The jelly material will get you off in about a minute.”How do they know? Is there some Underwriters’ Laboratory test for this? A bunch of guys… some lady with clipboard and a stop watch… ‘And go.’If so, I’ve got a good answer the next time somebody asks me where I see myself in 5 years.“Another nice thing about this great toy is that it comes in a plastic container that looks a bit like a flashlight, so if anyone ever finds it they’ll probably think it’s a flashlight. Pretty nifty.”A BIT like a flashlight… so chances are if anyone finds it… they WON’T stick their dick in it— Damn it! Another flashlight!If that’s a problem around your house maybe it’s time for some new friends.Then it says, I’m not making this up…“How To Use The Fleshlight”

if you need instructions I think I know why you are spending so many nights alone…