Archive for the ‘White Trash’ Category

More fun with Barbie

March 14, 2008

12 Step/AA Barbie–comes with: church basement, coffee urn, ash trays, and “Out-of-Control” Skipper… Britanny Spears Barbie–same as 12 Step/AA Barbie plus: Beverly Hills Ambulance gurney, velcro restraints, three paparazzi, and $7,000,000 a year in recording residuals.Late addition to Britanny Spears Barbie–Now comes with contract for cartoon superhero, broadcast on a cable channel to be determined… 

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Joke o’ the week… that I made up

January 11, 2008

I was going broke paying for tans… so I got a tattoo that looks like a tan.

This year’s Barbies

February 13, 2007

White trash Barbie comes with a carton of Marlboro 100’s, bucket of KFC, her own WalMart, 1976 Nisson 4×4, one case of Bud light, bull’s eye diaphram, and four ADHD redheaded children. 

Elvis Bride Barbie, 12 years old but lives in Ken’s house until she is legal in Tennessee (14 years old)

 

Souxie and the Barbies-punk rock band

Trailer Park-NASCAR-Welfare Mother Barbie comes with five kids by seven different fathers, a lovely fifth-wheel home, probation officer, 1970 primer gray Plymouth Roadrunner. And now available with a restraining order for Trailer Park Ken, and a basket to leave an underage Skipper’s baby on Ken’s doorstep.  

Anorexic Barbie–comes with one mirror that makes everyone look fat

Army Brat Barbie, she sleeps with any Ken she meets but will marry only the “bad” Kens.  

Transvestite Barbie is really a man but has started the hormones so he/she has breasts at least.

Butch Barbie comes with size 40 x 23 Levis and a wallet on attached chain.Katrina Victim Barbie with her own Superdome. Gets raped but Ken swears it wasn’t him

Third World Barbie–has no accessories  

Jerry Springer Barbie. Everything she says is a lie and she’s not even a woman.

Muslim Barbie – An empty box, inside is the Quran’s quotation about graven images

Electra Syndrome Barbie. Just pull her string and she whines “I need a good a spanking.” or “I bounced another check, Daddy.” or “I just can’t help it.”  

Spinster Barbie comes with 24 cats, extensive garden, and numerous straw hats.

Obsessive Compulsive Barbie has a $250 credit limit Visa card, a silver vibrator, and a scale year’s supply of batteries.

Homeless Barbie comes with a Piggly Wiggly shopping cart, ill-fitting clothing collection, pint-sized alcohol, and monthly boyfriend with a camper on his truck.

 

Jehovah’s Witness–life like “door knock” action, black ankle length skirt and a year’s supply of Watchtower (three issues).

 

Cyberspace Barbie–is really a 45 year old man.

 Underage Cyberspace Barbie, can be changed: federal agent or reporter for FOX news… no longer converts into Cyberspace Barbie.

Underage Cyberspace Ken: not longer available in Idaho or Florida (see, previous GOP Kens).

Terry Schivo Barbie, appears to respond to stimulii but is actually brain dead. Comes with 7 Republic lawyers and 12 Evangelical picketers.

Beverly Hills Barbie comes witha 48 DDD bra and a back brace, scale 4 carat diamond ring and CEO Ken 25 years her senior.

 

Courtney Love  Barbie, no matter how you try to stop her she ends up killing Rock Star Ken.

 

Whitney Houston Barbie: she’s free but the ex-husband costs $50 for legal fees.

Psycho Barbie, if Ken doesn’t call her every 20 minutes she accuses him of having an affair with Underage Skipper. 

Morman Barbie, printed on the hyman: “Exciting to fondle, when your hands roam, but if you break it, you take her home. Burma Shave.”

Herpes  Barbie: pull a string and she swears she it didn’t come from her.Masectomy Barbies… well you know. Anna Nicole Smith Barbie: does nothing because she’s dead.Britanny Spears Barbie: becomes pregnant whenever she comes in contact with any of Ken series. Also available with, therapist, entourage, Mercedes 700 series sedan, hair weaves, and tire iron. Britanny Spears Barbie panties no longer in stock.

Porn by the pound

January 13, 2007

I simply love the internet. It is a surreal vignette of the western world. And the ubiquitous, yet arcane nature of sex, couples (pardon the pun) with the private nature of the internet to create a playground for the empirically unattractive folks to vicariously experience the attentions of silicon sweeties in 21-inch-plasma screen two-dimensional pseudo reality. Yum-yum! But even that is so twisted sometimes it transends irony. For example: Everything is categorized. I wanted to test that. I put in—plus size, puerto rican, she male, urinating in public… the prompt came back: do you want pix or video? Hm… Then I found a stie where I could pick nudes from a particular school. I guess I’m okay with any school, except maybe Jesuit Seminary… I found a category called fisting. This is an interesting concept. A guy puts his hand in a woman’s vagina halfway up to his elbow… but he has to make a fist, I guess, for it to really be “fisting”…  but how can WE be sure? Maybe they should have to wear 24 ounce boxing gloves. Truth in advertising. Then there is “amateurs,” (as opposed to “professional”). This is a category born of digital cameras and Blue Label Schmirnov vodka. And then you find a category called “Bizarre” keeping in mind some of these people are professionals – professionals… she’s got her dress up over her head and she’s doing the splits over a coke bottle, but it’s done in a professional manner. Shoot, I wouldn’t even call it porn. Hey, she’s a professional.What is she? Bonded?  Then I found “amateur fisting”… but a guy with 24 ounce boxing gloves on and his hand up a woman’s vagina halfway to his elbow is hard to believe fits into ANY “amateur” category – color me jaded… then to make it interesting he shoves an axe handle up the woman’s ass… and he starts spitting fire wood… can you pick just ONE point along this erotic  journey where you began to doubt the veracity of the ‘amateur’ label? Me neither, until I looked at the “professionals”… a guy with 24 ounce boxing gloves on and his hand up a woman’s vagina halfway to his elbow…an axe handle up the woman’s rectum…he’s chopping firewood… and the woman is looking at the camera and smiling! “I hope you have as much fun masturbating to these photos as I did making them…” She doesn’t look like she’s have sex, she looks like she having her driver’s license photo redone. And tattoos galore. I can remember when the only tattooed female flesh I saw was in National Geographic – now women have “Open other end” in block letters tattooed on their their ass. “Demur Teen” You know somewhere after your second birthday it’s tough to look demur with ankles behind your head. Russian Porn: it would seem pornography is Russia’s leading export after air-borne beta-particle radiation. How about, Petite Pussy… If there IS another kind I’d really rather not know about it. Fat Girls: Hey, if I wanted to see a “fat girl” I’d go sit in the bathroom when I heard the shower kick on, okay? That’s why I’m cruising the internet. Lots of videos out there… the most wasted credit in porn: written by. Are they afraid they’re going to hire a method actor. “What’s my motivation?”“You’ve got an erection, she’s got a vagina… and action.”Based on true story. I saw some beautiful girl in an ad – “Gain 3 inches on your penis, no pills just a simple exercise.” That was a waste of 20 bucks… I’ve been doing these exercises for years.  HEY, get a smaller vagina…YOU do those excerises…“And no surgery“Hey, bet on that, girly. You come at my dick with anything sharper than your front teeth and you’ve got a fight on your hands… I’ll make Hanibal Lechter look like a WalMart Greeter. But this was the strangest of all. “The Fleshlight”“The Fleshlight is a special toy made for guys. Most toys you find out there, you stick your dick in and it feels like you’re fucking a plastic soda bottle. The Fleshlight is made of a soft material that you can warm up by soaking in hot water. Add some lube, stick your dick inside and feel the Fleshlight surround you. It’s so much different than jacking off.”Really? HOW? You’re alone and having sex…“The jelly material will get you off in about a minute.”How do they know? Is there some Underwriters’ Laboratory test for this? A bunch of guys… some lady with clipboard and a stop watch… ‘And go.’If so, I’ve got a good answer the next time somebody asks me where I see myself in 5 years.“Another nice thing about this great toy is that it comes in a plastic container that looks a bit like a flashlight, so if anyone ever finds it they’ll probably think it’s a flashlight. Pretty nifty.”A BIT like a flashlight… so chances are if anyone finds it… they WON’T stick their dick in it— Damn it! Another flashlight!If that’s a problem around your house maybe it’s time for some new friends.Then it says, I’m not making this up…“How To Use The Fleshlight”

if you need instructions I think I know why you are spending so many nights alone…

Crackling Wire Estates Mobile Home Park

December 2, 2006

Visit Crackling Wire Estates Mobile Home Park a subsidiary of Rio Los Banos Country Club featuring our 3 championship golf courses: Gater’s Lair, Copperhead Marsh and Stinking Dunes. And for the minature golfer try Mosquito Bend. Not a duffer? You can go horse back riding at the Thrush Hook Riding Academy, have a day of crappie fishing on Sulfer Springs Lake or explore the geologic wonder of Los Banos Tar Pits. Hungry, try our world class cuisine at the Brass Spitoon or for the casual and family dining stop in the Slaughterhouse and be sure to sample our world’s famous Pig Sty Pie. Adults can enjoy a cocktail at the Black Eye Lounge. Crackling Wire Estates is conveniently located a mere seven miles from the Shifting Sands Power Plant; providing residents with clean, safe, dependable nuclear power, and it’s a short drive to Stunted Pines Naval Gunnery Range.We’re easy to find. Exit the highway after you pass the high voltage towers, take a left on Strom Thurman Boulevard and go right on Cleft Palate Road. Make a reservation for a free guided tour within the next 24 days and you’ll receive five free tickets to Branson, Missouri’s newest celebrity-themed fun park, Frawley-wood. That’s right Frawley-wood. The world’s first tribute theme park to William Frawley that lovable Fred Mertz of I love Lucy and that lovable Uncle Charlie from My Three Sons. Crackling Wires Estates Mobile Home Park; we’re the direction the deep south is headed.