Archive for the ‘dangerous’ Category

Vincent Van Moe nee Van Mogh

October 30, 2009

Leaked memo from FOXNews

May 3, 2009

MEMO for news depts

inre:       Swine Flu gets new name:

In keeping with “newsworthy” and interesting titles of illnesses for broadcast (i.e. Mad Cow Disease) the Swine Flu will now be referred to as Hog Wild Syndrome. Expect new pandemic soon: undisclosed name; possibly Melancholy Tuna Palsy, Choleric Celery Diagnosis, Apoplectic Chicken Disorder or possible product placement deal–ADHD Breakfast Cereal (company to be named later i.e. ADHD Wheaties or Frosted Flakes et cetera). Be prepared to insert one of the above at a moment’s notice.

Food and religion…

November 7, 2008

Praise Cheeses!

AND

Cheeses is my co-pilot

 

 

Always keep ’em guessing, mack…

Why hasn’t somebody come up with this before?

June 2, 2008

Newest coffee table book—”Ships That Pass in the Night: The Role of the Human Thumb in American Photography.”

 

One on One: The Ultimate History of  Sex

 

A new hit comedy based on the 1960’s television show, “My Mother The Car” and the recent smash comedy, “How I Met Your Mother,” combined with the recent glut of ‘reality’ shows: get ready America for, “How I Met Your Grandmother’s Uterus”

OR

If the 1960’s television program “My Mother the Car” was remade now it could star Will Farrell and would revolve around a down-on-his-luck NASCAR driver. This summer be sure to see: “Edselus Rex” or alternative title, “110 Octane Antigonne.”

Sons of sons…

May 29, 2008

In response to numerous photos and internet-forwarded tales of male children doing “male children stuff” presented along a specific format (i.e. if you have sons you have observed, these rules) I present to all readers (without admission of guilt and/or legal acceptance of any culpability in regards to any and all investigations or cases not closed by statute of limitation or any other legal… bullshit) a brief addendum of… “other lessons learned.”

The roof on the average single story house is not high enough to actually “open” a home-made parachute but IS high enough to turn an umbrella inside out thereby defeating any parachute-like capabilities it was thought to possess. The roof on the average single story house is high enough to break a seven year old’s leg even when utilizing an umbrella as a parachute. Leaving another parent’s son stranded atop the roof of the average single story house, because they were afraid to “parachute” off after watching someone else sustain injuries, will also warrant a beating from an irate parent. Parents may “laugh about stuff” between themselves but that does not mean they will laugh about those same things with the the guilty parties.

 

Using the Grandma-told-me-you-did-the-same-sorta-thing-when-you-were-my-age argument will invariably involve a beating while the parent exercises the yes-and-I-got-a-beating-for-it retort.

 

Drano and gasoline produce a violent reaction when mixed together. A reaction so violent that it’s impossible to outrun it on foot, regardless of the number of times and differing methods used to outrun it. The violent reaction of gasoline and Drano burns the skin no matter how times it splatters onto the same spot.

 

Stuffing mono filament fishing line inside a device containing multiple firecrackers duct-taped together, when ignited, sprays the nearby area with a burning debris that resembles napalm. Water will not extinguish a loose pile of burning mono filament fishing line, but instead will spread it out as the water floats the burning fishing line. It’s always wise to have a fire extinguisher at the ready when you have sons in your care. It’s even wiser to teach them how to use a fire extinguisher properly. That white powder in fire extinguishers tastes awful.

 

Nothing is as easy as it looks on television. Having a adult nearby to determine what is and what is not “easy” to do, even when seen on television, can prevent many injuries.

 

The concept of brakes and braking (or the safe egress from a speeding vehicle) should be considered before any exhibition of speed is attempted. At high speeds the cushioning effect of lawn is not as great as one might expect. Objects in motion tend to stay in motion (even when no longer under the control of a son) especially if that object is careening down a steep hill towards an uncontrolled intersection. Automobiles make short work of most unmanned wooden go-carts careening into uncontrolled intersections. Adults do not take such scientific experiments lightly. It’s tough to run away from an adult when nursing a broken collar bone. Parents always know when a child is hiding broken bones or serious physical injury. Adults will go to great lengths to find the parents of high-speed scientific experimenters AND will attempt to make any such financially responsible for the cost of vehicle reparation while completely overlooking the cost of wooden go-cart replacement and those parts involved. Parents will punish all sons involved even if one (or more) thought the planned act was dangerous and foolhardy. Just the afore knowledge of a planned dangerous and foolhardy act is, in the eyes of parents, a culpable act and ergo punishable by a beating. If the steering mechanism of wooden go-cart is found to be reversed (through faulty design), it’s best to fix it upon discovery of the fact rather than choosing to repair it “after primary high speed tests” have been affected. The phone number for medical emergencies is 911 but most children during those emergencies situations will either A) pretend they not injured in order to avoid punishment. B) threaten younger children if they report such injuries to any parent. C) deny it was their idea. D) run away from home. It’s difficult to runaway from home while sporting broken bones… Lastly, the beatings received after the fact are usually worse the initial injury.

 

In regards to the go-cart revelation let me further qualify. Of these “most infamous” past events the “go-cart affair” was the most studied. The male children from my neighborhood got together and built a go-cart (a design “by committee” is always bad) after seeing it done on TV. Wrapping the steering-control ropes around the steering column (surplus water pipe actually) and through the system of pulleys (we ‘requisitioned’ from dad’s work bench) actually set the steering function in reverse. Stan, my next oldest brother, begged to be the first pilot while… somebody, maybe with triple digit IQ… thought it best to change the steering (and even adding brakes) before we tried zipping down the nearby hill (which dumped out into a fairly busy cross street). No! Stan replied this was far too important to wait. We’d tend to the “details” after initially testing was completed he finished with a confident grin. Well, the damn thing bolted like a rabbit and ran away from us (we were trying to hold it, my brother claims otherwise). Stan, unable to steer the vehicle correctly, panicked, bouncing our timbered conveyance over a curb (where he affected an escape tumbling out of the vehicle onto a neighbor’s yard breaking his collar bone in the process). Our, now unmanned go-cart, careened downward into the cross street where it was immediately met by a speeding… [I don’t remember what make or model car it was but since it was the mid-1960s when this tragedy played out it was no doubt some American-made behemoth created of steel and concrete, I’m sure] instantly disintegrating our experimental vehicle before our astonished eyes. After the smoke cleared (from the wheel wells of the cars formerly speeding along that avenue but now skidded to a complete stop) I swear to God there formed an angry mob like the one that hounded Frankenstein’s monster. All they needed were torches to complete the scene.

“There they are!” coming from a red-faced man, his finger pointed uphill towards our young clan was all I needed to hear to set my feet moving briskly. I climbed up onto our roof (yes, the one that broke so many bones and spirits over the years) to view the melee from afar. Stan was cradling his arm to his chest as he sprinted for cover, weeping the whole way because every step he took was torture, what with his broken collar bone. I was laughing and crying, because we, all of us in the neighborhood, were gonna get a beating but on the same hand it was a wholly glorious to see that wooden body disintegrate in an instant. The drivers from the go-cart destruction derby drove up and down the street until one of the “mom squad” (that was the elite ‘undercover division’ of neighborhood matriarchs ready to spirit through the neighborhood in Mrs. Smith’s Country  Squire wagon, flying around corners in a full four-wheel-drift, the engine screaming as these adult figures pursued us) figured these citizens were looking for one, or all of us. Yes, we ALL got beatings and yes, we ALL had to pitch in to pay for the damages on the guy’s car, but that incident is still recanted in hushed tones by the mom squad et al around the bar-b-que on summer evenings. Ah, youth. Where hast thou gone?

Watch this movie or I’ll kill this car!

April 12, 2008

blah, blah, blah...

Ever wondered what happens to those leased beauties after the lease runs out?

Find out the shocking truth in “The Fleet Kings!”

Discover the disquieting revelations of car dealer fleet salesmen — they’ll make you laugh, they’ll make you cry, they’ll make you take a test drive… If you dare!

It’s about cars, guns, chicks, and more money wasted on one celluloid stink bomb than you’ll earn in your entire life… Unless… you’re one of “The Fleet Kings.”

See them sell cars below Kelly Blue Book. See used cars treated as chattel. See men slide their sweaty palms over the sleek lines of previously owed automobiles.

See Keanu Reeves flex. See his new watch. See his nice haircut.

See overpaid actors grimace while Reeves acts wooden–again–but looks great doing it! See scantily clad women grimace while Reeves acts wooden–again. See some guy with only one name grimace while Reeves acts wooden–again. See a guy who has “the” as a part of his name… but is not a wrestler or Cedric.

Filmed in patented “ink-o-vision” by famed artist Ralph Steadman.

Before you ever buy another car, See “The Fleet Kings.”

This film is rated IQ… No one with a triple digit IQ permitted without an accountant.

New bumper sticker OR tee-shirt

April 8, 2008

Registered sex addict…

In case of accident

suck my dick

Interview with a damn-liar

March 18, 2008

Excerpts from my first (Mr. Know-it-all), and probably last, interview.*

 

I’ll call my interviewer Q… like in the Bond movies but this isn’t same person. And I’ll be playing the part of A. Because I’m considered an… uh. I’ll be A.

 

Q. Did you write as a child?

A. When I was a child I wrote as a child…

Q. Good line.

A. It’s from a movie, Wings of Desire.

Q. Okay then. What did you do as a child?

A. I stared at the television a lot, even when it wasn’t on. That’s when I saw them… these spectral like… these ghostly images moving across the screen… sometimes peering at me. That’s when I knew there were others in my house… Then I figured out it was my parents, I was just seeing their reflection in the screen. They told me later they were checking to see if I still had a pulse. I don’t remember if I did or not, have… have a pulse, but I’m pretty sure I did.

Q. Um, okay. Were those your first memories?

A. No. My first memories were of the confusion of… birth. It was cold and somebody was slapping me around, first thing, I didn’t even have time to do something wrong, just pow! And I was tryin’ to figure out why I got evicted. I was quiet, non-smoker, no pets or loud parties. And then this guy cuts the cord. ‘Hey pal. Whatcha doin’ that for? Now, I’m stuck here.’

Q. Uh huh. What do you parents think about you now?

A. They don’t. They’re dead, cremated. I didn’t have much money then, so I took care of the arrangements myself. A burn can and a bag of self-starting briquettes… but it was nice. There was music. My neighborhood if there was a burn can and an open flame on the sidewalk a half dozen folks would show up and start singing.

Q. Did you have brothers and sisters?

A. That wasn’t up to me.

Q. No… Did your parents have any other children?

A. I… never… asked. I tried to respect their privacy.

Q. Grandparents?

A. Oh yeah. They were together to the end… she was a stewardess and he was… the Safety Officer… on the Hindenburg.

Q. And great grandparents?

A. Oh, that’s a stretch. They were good, but not everyone would claim they were great.

Q. Okay. Where did you go to school?

A. Um, I went to a school at this rectangular building with a playground and some fields right next to it. It was a couple of block from my house and a bunch of other kids were there too, so it was ideal for uh, school. Ya know.

Q. Tsk, all right. Do you have any photos I can use for this article?

A. I have one photo, but there is some controversy surrounding it.

Q. I’m afraid to ask, but what kind of controversy?

A. Some people have suggested it’s just a Sasquatch in a human suit, but that’s neither been proven nor disproven.

Q. Okay, that’s it.

 

* This was a project a friend was given for a journalism class: interviewing a difficult subject. I’m keeping these answers for my first ‘real’ interview. Thanks to all, Mr. Know-it-all…

new tee-shirt…

March 15, 2008

My boyfriend went to Thailand…And all I got was herpes.

More fun with Barbie

March 14, 2008

12 Step/AA Barbie–comes with: church basement, coffee urn, ash trays, and “Out-of-Control” Skipper… Britanny Spears Barbie–same as 12 Step/AA Barbie plus: Beverly Hills Ambulance gurney, velcro restraints, three paparazzi, and $7,000,000 a year in recording residuals.Late addition to Britanny Spears Barbie–Now comes with contract for cartoon superhero, broadcast on a cable channel to be determined…