Archive for the ‘george’ Category

Light bulb jokes I wrote today…

March 1, 2008

Q. How many crack whores does it take to change a light bulb? A. One, but her pimp has to slap the shit out of her before she’ll do it right. Q. How many Bush Administrators does it take to change a light bulb? A. Two: one to contract the job out to Halliburton and one to change the terror-alert status to ‘dark.’

God, guns and George

February 14, 2007

Today my mind became clear as an azure sky and I realized I had been “wrong thinking” for, oh so, many years. George W. Bush is the touted savior of the free world and an emphatic genius on a par with Wiley E. Coyote. The AM radio pundits knew all along that the man who sat quietly in the Oval Office fingering a “Souvenir of the White House” ash tray was not an over-indulgent, mentally retarded, hypocritical, atheistic-turned-born-again-for-the-votes-christian, frat boy… but instead was acting a role in order to lull the world powers into a false sense of cognitive superiority. It all makes perfect sense to me now, and with two years left in office I think he’s ready to pounce on our enemies: starting with the people who make “Tiger Tails” and those “Sno-Ball” cupcake things. Their rein of behind-the-scenes-terror-and-manipulation is coming to an end: a bloody, horrible, shrieking end at the hands of George “the W stand for Wreally-wrathful” Bush. This man is unlike GHW Bush who had a commitment to warfare somewhat akin to the Reagan administrations’ commitment to homeless veterans. Ronald Wilson Reagan knew what it was like to suffer… though not as much as the soldiers who had to endure acting on a par with the Muppets’ revue of “Glengarry Glen Ross” in those training films the Gipper selflessly volunteered to “star” in. The heroic “Dutch” had to drive himself 45 minutes from hisMalibu ranch five mornings a week while his fellow training-film crew members were allowed to languish under the armed and watchful eye of military police protection within their taxpayer provided military style deluxe accommodations while they engaged in foolish indulgent exercises of military bravado. Then he drove himself back to his ranch! All this while GHW Bush was dumping expensive taxpayer funded aircraft somewhere in thePacific Ocean (as far as I know he never did pay the Navy back for losing that airplane). No, this man, George W. Bush, is of much sterner metal than his predecessors (actually there was one inconsequential “pretender to the throne” who defeated H. Ross Perot in a highly contested election fraught with voting irregularities and illegal activities—for that tragic chapter in history See Mr. Hillary Rodham). Now, those uninformed opponents to this great man who might maliciously label his constituents the devoted-conservative-republican-I-voted-GOP-because-I-knew-it-was-only-a-matter-of-time-before-the-tax-and-spend-Democrats-took-all-the-good-spending-on-high-tech-weapons-and-the-pull-the-poor-uneducated-white-rural-population-up-to-an-income-level-slightly-below-poverty-but-allow-them-to-have-numerous-christian-babies-at-the-low-low-cost-of-the-military-hospital-simple-medical-deductable-before-they-started-to-whine-and-weep-and-camp-out-in-front-of-a-great-man’s-expensive-Texas-ranch-because-their-husbands-and-children-got-blown-to-bits-in-a-war-started-because-someone-8000-miles-away-was-disrespectful-the-president’s-rich-though-politically-unsuccessful-daddy-and-to-slip-a-few-bucks-into-the-pockets-of-a-guy-who-wants-everybody-else-to-have-a-textbook-defintion-christian-family-though-his-makes-the-Borgias-look-like-the-Brady-Bunch-while-giving-big-oil-companies-additional-leverage-against-the-gas-sucking-over-indulgent-try-not-to-spend-more-money-on-gas-than-you-inherit-from-your-thieving-Nazi-loving-Upper-Silisia-Polish-Jew-killing-politically-corrupt-grandfather-who-helped-create-the-CIA-so-his-inept-son-could-have-a-paying-gig-and-live-out-the-good-life-on-Jupiter-Island-Florida-while-pretending-he-knew-nothing-about-an-illegal-political-scandal-bigger-than-Watergate-that-collapsed-around-his-head-and-shoulders might disagree, claiming “we’re still not sure about this Bush,” those of us “in on it” are checking off the days on our calendar until “we” can rise again. What prompted this amazing turn around in my thought process? While riding my bicycle (made by oppressed Japanese workers in a plant that poured tons of contaminants into the skies: a veritable alphabet soup of poisonous airborne chemicals and I think the metals in my bike still leak some hazardous waste when I ride it) I fell and slammed my cranium into the innocent and unsuspecting pavement (you won’t fall and hit your head when you’re driving a Hummer or a Monster Truck). When the blackness lifted behind my eyes I saw what had been previously hidden (something maybe only a strict regimen of 30 Oxycontin a day can provide, like that stuff in the book “A Separate Reality”). So remember: God, guns and George put this country where it is today! 

In the news today….

February 13, 2007

Washington Redskins bows to pressure to change name – will become the Washington Herpes Simplex Virus.  Owner Dan Snyder: “We think the name is still intimidating and at the very least we’ll get the showers to ourselves.” Weapons of Mass Destruction Finally Found – In TerhanBush – “Somebody in the Pentagon messed up.  They made the mistake, you see?  They typed Iraq instead of Iran.  But the people of Iran will welcome us as liberators.” Gay And Lesbian Alliance (GALA) elects Veep’s daughter as spokesperson.  Ms. Cheney:  “F*** Off!”  GALA backs statement. Stock Scandal CFO Receives Presidential Pardon – New Treasury Head Promises to Balance Budget  Rumsfeld Labels Muslims “…a religion of dead-enders” Bush Declares “Acne caused by poverty.”  Staffers claim he said ‘puberty.’ Bush Declares War on UN – “They got a flag.  I saw their army in Bosnia – with those blue helmuts.  We can kick butt on somebody who wears blue helmuts.” Rumsfeld dismisses Joint Chiefs – Declares “They didn’t know anything about war.” To End Worries Over SSA Bush raises retirement age to 95.  Bush – “That’s only 14 in dog years…” Dr for Cheney Heart Surgery Absent – Claims “Had Different Agenda” Faith Based Mixup Sends 450 kilos of marijuana from Rastafasrian Church to DC homeless shelter.  Recovery of “several pounds” expected Paris Hilton’s provocative behavior was in the news today… but then Paris Hilton’s provocative behavior is in the news everyday. Fredrick’s of Hollywood Pledges Aid to New Orleans – 12,500 Leopard-Print Push-up BrasSpokeswoman, Bambi Darling, stated, “Just because their country was devastated by a lot of water doesn’t mean they have to look frumpy.” Bush declares: “Today’s embryos, tomorrow, will pay for your Social Security… even though it’s just a bunch of papers… it’s not like real money, it’s just papers.  I’ve seen ‘em. And we need real money, you know, American greenbacks.  Printed money that’s what need. But these embryos, they’re real children, who are gonna make real money.” Pentagon officials promise to “bomb Afganistan back to stone-age.”  Acting Afgani Pres Hamid Karzai “…excited about the upgrade.”  

Pres W. Bush “Jesus Christ came back without the benefit of stem cell research.”  AMA accepts gov grant to study psychic surgery and faith healing.

Got Bin Laden?

February 2, 2007

The state department today announced its newest program in the hunt for fugitive terrorist, Osama Bin Laden.

President George W. Bush stated at a press conference earlier today a project he has personally overseen from its inception, the “Got Bin Laden?” project.

Said the President: “This whole thing started because the CIA gave us bad intel, ya see? So now we’re gonna put out good intel, heh heh. We are… um… gonna put Bin Laden’s face on tee shirts… and… uh… handbills and milk cartons and… uh, bumper stickers. It worked for that guy on television… with his kid. So I think with a uh… by putting up these handbills all over the Afghan-Pakastani border and the bumper stickers on military vehicles and the milk carton thing… we’ll have Bin Laden… soon. Thank you.”

 

This comes on the heels of the State Department’s wildly successful “Got Saddam?” campaign which resulted in the capture of the former dictator. Representitives of the State Department handed press kits containing the items mentioned by the President.

Bush: FEMA Readies for Next Major Hurricane with creation of world’s largest sponge

September 20, 2006

stay tuned for more. please read my blog till then