Archive for February, 2007

God, guns and George

February 14, 2007

Today my mind became clear as an azure sky and I realized I had been “wrong thinking” for, oh so, many years. George W. Bush is the touted savior of the free world and an emphatic genius on a par with Wiley E. Coyote. The AM radio pundits knew all along that the man who sat quietly in the Oval Office fingering a “Souvenir of the White House” ash tray was not an over-indulgent, mentally retarded, hypocritical, atheistic-turned-born-again-for-the-votes-christian, frat boy… but instead was acting a role in order to lull the world powers into a false sense of cognitive superiority. It all makes perfect sense to me now, and with two years left in office I think he’s ready to pounce on our enemies: starting with the people who make “Tiger Tails” and those “Sno-Ball” cupcake things. Their rein of behind-the-scenes-terror-and-manipulation is coming to an end: a bloody, horrible, shrieking end at the hands of George “the W stand for Wreally-wrathful” Bush. This man is unlike GHW Bush who had a commitment to warfare somewhat akin to the Reagan administrations’ commitment to homeless veterans. Ronald Wilson Reagan knew what it was like to suffer… though not as much as the soldiers who had to endure acting on a par with the Muppets’ revue of “Glengarry Glen Ross” in those training films the Gipper selflessly volunteered to “star” in. The heroic “Dutch” had to drive himself 45 minutes from hisMalibu ranch five mornings a week while his fellow training-film crew members were allowed to languish under the armed and watchful eye of military police protection within their taxpayer provided military style deluxe accommodations while they engaged in foolish indulgent exercises of military bravado. Then he drove himself back to his ranch! All this while GHW Bush was dumping expensive taxpayer funded aircraft somewhere in thePacific Ocean (as far as I know he never did pay the Navy back for losing that airplane). No, this man, George W. Bush, is of much sterner metal than his predecessors (actually there was one inconsequential “pretender to the throne” who defeated H. Ross Perot in a highly contested election fraught with voting irregularities and illegal activities—for that tragic chapter in history See Mr. Hillary Rodham). Now, those uninformed opponents to this great man who might maliciously label his constituents the devoted-conservative-republican-I-voted-GOP-because-I-knew-it-was-only-a-matter-of-time-before-the-tax-and-spend-Democrats-took-all-the-good-spending-on-high-tech-weapons-and-the-pull-the-poor-uneducated-white-rural-population-up-to-an-income-level-slightly-below-poverty-but-allow-them-to-have-numerous-christian-babies-at-the-low-low-cost-of-the-military-hospital-simple-medical-deductable-before-they-started-to-whine-and-weep-and-camp-out-in-front-of-a-great-man’s-expensive-Texas-ranch-because-their-husbands-and-children-got-blown-to-bits-in-a-war-started-because-someone-8000-miles-away-was-disrespectful-the-president’s-rich-though-politically-unsuccessful-daddy-and-to-slip-a-few-bucks-into-the-pockets-of-a-guy-who-wants-everybody-else-to-have-a-textbook-defintion-christian-family-though-his-makes-the-Borgias-look-like-the-Brady-Bunch-while-giving-big-oil-companies-additional-leverage-against-the-gas-sucking-over-indulgent-try-not-to-spend-more-money-on-gas-than-you-inherit-from-your-thieving-Nazi-loving-Upper-Silisia-Polish-Jew-killing-politically-corrupt-grandfather-who-helped-create-the-CIA-so-his-inept-son-could-have-a-paying-gig-and-live-out-the-good-life-on-Jupiter-Island-Florida-while-pretending-he-knew-nothing-about-an-illegal-political-scandal-bigger-than-Watergate-that-collapsed-around-his-head-and-shoulders might disagree, claiming “we’re still not sure about this Bush,” those of us “in on it” are checking off the days on our calendar until “we” can rise again. What prompted this amazing turn around in my thought process? While riding my bicycle (made by oppressed Japanese workers in a plant that poured tons of contaminants into the skies: a veritable alphabet soup of poisonous airborne chemicals and I think the metals in my bike still leak some hazardous waste when I ride it) I fell and slammed my cranium into the innocent and unsuspecting pavement (you won’t fall and hit your head when you’re driving a Hummer or a Monster Truck). When the blackness lifted behind my eyes I saw what had been previously hidden (something maybe only a strict regimen of 30 Oxycontin a day can provide, like that stuff in the book “A Separate Reality”). So remember: God, guns and George put this country where it is today! 

In the news today….

February 13, 2007

Washington Redskins bows to pressure to change name – will become the Washington Herpes Simplex Virus.  Owner Dan Snyder: “We think the name is still intimidating and at the very least we’ll get the showers to ourselves.” Weapons of Mass Destruction Finally Found – In TerhanBush – “Somebody in the Pentagon messed up.  They made the mistake, you see?  They typed Iraq instead of Iran.  But the people of Iran will welcome us as liberators.” Gay And Lesbian Alliance (GALA) elects Veep’s daughter as spokesperson.  Ms. Cheney:  “F*** Off!”  GALA backs statement. Stock Scandal CFO Receives Presidential Pardon – New Treasury Head Promises to Balance Budget  Rumsfeld Labels Muslims “…a religion of dead-enders” Bush Declares “Acne caused by poverty.”  Staffers claim he said ‘puberty.’ Bush Declares War on UN – “They got a flag.  I saw their army in Bosnia – with those blue helmuts.  We can kick butt on somebody who wears blue helmuts.” Rumsfeld dismisses Joint Chiefs – Declares “They didn’t know anything about war.” To End Worries Over SSA Bush raises retirement age to 95.  Bush – “That’s only 14 in dog years…” Dr for Cheney Heart Surgery Absent – Claims “Had Different Agenda” Faith Based Mixup Sends 450 kilos of marijuana from Rastafasrian Church to DC homeless shelter.  Recovery of “several pounds” expected Paris Hilton’s provocative behavior was in the news today… but then Paris Hilton’s provocative behavior is in the news everyday. Fredrick’s of Hollywood Pledges Aid to New Orleans – 12,500 Leopard-Print Push-up BrasSpokeswoman, Bambi Darling, stated, “Just because their country was devastated by a lot of water doesn’t mean they have to look frumpy.” Bush declares: “Today’s embryos, tomorrow, will pay for your Social Security… even though it’s just a bunch of papers… it’s not like real money, it’s just papers.  I’ve seen ‘em. And we need real money, you know, American greenbacks.  Printed money that’s what need. But these embryos, they’re real children, who are gonna make real money.” Pentagon officials promise to “bomb Afganistan back to stone-age.”  Acting Afgani Pres Hamid Karzai “…excited about the upgrade.”  

Pres W. Bush “Jesus Christ came back without the benefit of stem cell research.”  AMA accepts gov grant to study psychic surgery and faith healing.

This year’s Barbies

February 13, 2007

White trash Barbie comes with a carton of Marlboro 100’s, bucket of KFC, her own WalMart, 1976 Nisson 4×4, one case of Bud light, bull’s eye diaphram, and four ADHD redheaded children. 

Elvis Bride Barbie, 12 years old but lives in Ken’s house until she is legal in Tennessee (14 years old)

 

Souxie and the Barbies-punk rock band

Trailer Park-NASCAR-Welfare Mother Barbie comes with five kids by seven different fathers, a lovely fifth-wheel home, probation officer, 1970 primer gray Plymouth Roadrunner. And now available with a restraining order for Trailer Park Ken, and a basket to leave an underage Skipper’s baby on Ken’s doorstep.  

Anorexic Barbie–comes with one mirror that makes everyone look fat

Army Brat Barbie, she sleeps with any Ken she meets but will marry only the “bad” Kens.  

Transvestite Barbie is really a man but has started the hormones so he/she has breasts at least.

Butch Barbie comes with size 40 x 23 Levis and a wallet on attached chain.Katrina Victim Barbie with her own Superdome. Gets raped but Ken swears it wasn’t him

Third World Barbie–has no accessories  

Jerry Springer Barbie. Everything she says is a lie and she’s not even a woman.

Muslim Barbie – An empty box, inside is the Quran’s quotation about graven images

Electra Syndrome Barbie. Just pull her string and she whines “I need a good a spanking.” or “I bounced another check, Daddy.” or “I just can’t help it.”  

Spinster Barbie comes with 24 cats, extensive garden, and numerous straw hats.

Obsessive Compulsive Barbie has a $250 credit limit Visa card, a silver vibrator, and a scale year’s supply of batteries.

Homeless Barbie comes with a Piggly Wiggly shopping cart, ill-fitting clothing collection, pint-sized alcohol, and monthly boyfriend with a camper on his truck.

 

Jehovah’s Witness–life like “door knock” action, black ankle length skirt and a year’s supply of Watchtower (three issues).

 

Cyberspace Barbie–is really a 45 year old man.

 Underage Cyberspace Barbie, can be changed: federal agent or reporter for FOX news… no longer converts into Cyberspace Barbie.

Underage Cyberspace Ken: not longer available in Idaho or Florida (see, previous GOP Kens).

Terry Schivo Barbie, appears to respond to stimulii but is actually brain dead. Comes with 7 Republic lawyers and 12 Evangelical picketers.

Beverly Hills Barbie comes witha 48 DDD bra and a back brace, scale 4 carat diamond ring and CEO Ken 25 years her senior.

 

Courtney Love  Barbie, no matter how you try to stop her she ends up killing Rock Star Ken.

 

Whitney Houston Barbie: she’s free but the ex-husband costs $50 for legal fees.

Psycho Barbie, if Ken doesn’t call her every 20 minutes she accuses him of having an affair with Underage Skipper. 

Morman Barbie, printed on the hyman: “Exciting to fondle, when your hands roam, but if you break it, you take her home. Burma Shave.”

Herpes  Barbie: pull a string and she swears she it didn’t come from her.Masectomy Barbies… well you know. Anna Nicole Smith Barbie: does nothing because she’s dead.Britanny Spears Barbie: becomes pregnant whenever she comes in contact with any of Ken series. Also available with, therapist, entourage, Mercedes 700 series sedan, hair weaves, and tire iron. Britanny Spears Barbie panties no longer in stock.

“Monster-in-law” sucks

February 2, 2007

Last weekend I saw my dreams answered: and it’s available on DVD.   You can watch “Monster-in-Law” in the privacy of your own home and, and, to give you more value for your $21.95, plus $2.50 postage and handling, you also get added scenes… as if 83 minutes of two Divas sneering at one another interspliced with 4 and half minutes of them shrieking at each other wasn’t enough, now you get to see the scenes that weren’t good enough to make the final cut.  Apparently the producers figured out what was wrong with this stink bomb – it wasn’t long enough!  Isn’t this like trying to sell more Yugos by turning them into minivans? Monster-in-Law did for films what Courtney Love has done for motherhood.  Or closer to home: what Jane Fonda did for the Vietnam Veterans. I’d rather see this production done using marionettes than the smirking over-emoted machinations of these two women.  This is DW Griffith’s “Book of Lamentations” in color. For my taste they could add one scene much earlier… the part where the words ‘The End’ roll across the screen! Films should be like the ice cream confections called drumsticks – remember those?  The best part was that last bite: where the melted ice cream dripped into the bottom of the waffle cone.  When I first viewed “Monster-in-Law” in the theater it possessed that quality.  The best part of this film was seeing the house lights come up and a few remaining patrons awake and one couple practicing for the Amorous Greco-Roman Preliminaries disentangle so quickly that a free-wheeling elbow was stopped abruptly by the man’s nose. I asked the couple for their opinion on the film as the woman escorted the man up the aisle, his nose pointed towards the acoustic tile ceiling swaddled in a handkerchief.  As she shuffled past the woman shot a distracted glance in my direction and mumbled, “Yeah, it was fine.”  Through his blood soaked handkerchief the man gave me a muffled report on the chandelier.  

For the individual(s) enamored with this film, I offer my best wishes for speedy recovery and to everyone else: If you have 25 bucks just burning a hole in your pocket send it to me in care of this website.  I’ll send you something equally entertaining: “Stay Hungry: Special Edition.”  That’s the one before Ed Begley Jr. did the voice overs… for Ah-nold or Sally Fields, I can’t remember which.

Got Bin Laden?

February 2, 2007

The state department today announced its newest program in the hunt for fugitive terrorist, Osama Bin Laden.

President George W. Bush stated at a press conference earlier today a project he has personally overseen from its inception, the “Got Bin Laden?” project.

Said the President: “This whole thing started because the CIA gave us bad intel, ya see? So now we’re gonna put out good intel, heh heh. We are… um… gonna put Bin Laden’s face on tee shirts… and… uh… handbills and milk cartons and… uh, bumper stickers. It worked for that guy on television… with his kid. So I think with a uh… by putting up these handbills all over the Afghan-Pakastani border and the bumper stickers on military vehicles and the milk carton thing… we’ll have Bin Laden… soon. Thank you.”

 

This comes on the heels of the State Department’s wildly successful “Got Saddam?” campaign which resulted in the capture of the former dictator. Representitives of the State Department handed press kits containing the items mentioned by the President.