Archive for the ‘sucks’ Category

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April 8, 2008

Registered sex addict…

In case of accident

suck my dick

“Monster-in-law” sucks

February 2, 2007

Last weekend I saw my dreams answered: and it’s available on DVD.   You can watch “Monster-in-Law” in the privacy of your own home and, and, to give you more value for your $21.95, plus $2.50 postage and handling, you also get added scenes… as if 83 minutes of two Divas sneering at one another interspliced with 4 and half minutes of them shrieking at each other wasn’t enough, now you get to see the scenes that weren’t good enough to make the final cut.  Apparently the producers figured out what was wrong with this stink bomb – it wasn’t long enough!  Isn’t this like trying to sell more Yugos by turning them into minivans? Monster-in-Law did for films what Courtney Love has done for motherhood.  Or closer to home: what Jane Fonda did for the Vietnam Veterans. I’d rather see this production done using marionettes than the smirking over-emoted machinations of these two women.  This is DW Griffith’s “Book of Lamentations” in color. For my taste they could add one scene much earlier… the part where the words ‘The End’ roll across the screen! Films should be like the ice cream confections called drumsticks – remember those?  The best part was that last bite: where the melted ice cream dripped into the bottom of the waffle cone.  When I first viewed “Monster-in-Law” in the theater it possessed that quality.  The best part of this film was seeing the house lights come up and a few remaining patrons awake and one couple practicing for the Amorous Greco-Roman Preliminaries disentangle so quickly that a free-wheeling elbow was stopped abruptly by the man’s nose. I asked the couple for their opinion on the film as the woman escorted the man up the aisle, his nose pointed towards the acoustic tile ceiling swaddled in a handkerchief.  As she shuffled past the woman shot a distracted glance in my direction and mumbled, “Yeah, it was fine.”  Through his blood soaked handkerchief the man gave me a muffled report on the chandelier.  

For the individual(s) enamored with this film, I offer my best wishes for speedy recovery and to everyone else: If you have 25 bucks just burning a hole in your pocket send it to me in care of this website.  I’ll send you something equally entertaining: “Stay Hungry: Special Edition.”  That’s the one before Ed Begley Jr. did the voice overs… for Ah-nold or Sally Fields, I can’t remember which.