Archive for March, 2008

sign we are winning in Afghanistan

March 25, 2008

Kabul WalMart is now selling spandex burkhas. Film at 11…

Interview with a damn-liar

March 18, 2008

Excerpts from my first (Mr. Know-it-all), and probably last, interview.*

 

I’ll call my interviewer Q… like in the Bond movies but this isn’t same person. And I’ll be playing the part of A. Because I’m considered an… uh. I’ll be A.

 

Q. Did you write as a child?

A. When I was a child I wrote as a child…

Q. Good line.

A. It’s from a movie, Wings of Desire.

Q. Okay then. What did you do as a child?

A. I stared at the television a lot, even when it wasn’t on. That’s when I saw them… these spectral like… these ghostly images moving across the screen… sometimes peering at me. That’s when I knew there were others in my house… Then I figured out it was my parents, I was just seeing their reflection in the screen. They told me later they were checking to see if I still had a pulse. I don’t remember if I did or not, have… have a pulse, but I’m pretty sure I did.

Q. Um, okay. Were those your first memories?

A. No. My first memories were of the confusion of… birth. It was cold and somebody was slapping me around, first thing, I didn’t even have time to do something wrong, just pow! And I was tryin’ to figure out why I got evicted. I was quiet, non-smoker, no pets or loud parties. And then this guy cuts the cord. ‘Hey pal. Whatcha doin’ that for? Now, I’m stuck here.’

Q. Uh huh. What do you parents think about you now?

A. They don’t. They’re dead, cremated. I didn’t have much money then, so I took care of the arrangements myself. A burn can and a bag of self-starting briquettes… but it was nice. There was music. My neighborhood if there was a burn can and an open flame on the sidewalk a half dozen folks would show up and start singing.

Q. Did you have brothers and sisters?

A. That wasn’t up to me.

Q. No… Did your parents have any other children?

A. I… never… asked. I tried to respect their privacy.

Q. Grandparents?

A. Oh yeah. They were together to the end… she was a stewardess and he was… the Safety Officer… on the Hindenburg.

Q. And great grandparents?

A. Oh, that’s a stretch. They were good, but not everyone would claim they were great.

Q. Okay. Where did you go to school?

A. Um, I went to a school at this rectangular building with a playground and some fields right next to it. It was a couple of block from my house and a bunch of other kids were there too, so it was ideal for uh, school. Ya know.

Q. Tsk, all right. Do you have any photos I can use for this article?

A. I have one photo, but there is some controversy surrounding it.

Q. I’m afraid to ask, but what kind of controversy?

A. Some people have suggested it’s just a Sasquatch in a human suit, but that’s neither been proven nor disproven.

Q. Okay, that’s it.

 

* This was a project a friend was given for a journalism class: interviewing a difficult subject. I’m keeping these answers for my first ‘real’ interview. Thanks to all, Mr. Know-it-all…

new tee-shirt…

March 15, 2008

My boyfriend went to Thailand…And all I got was herpes.

More fun with Barbie

March 14, 2008

12 Step/AA Barbie–comes with: church basement, coffee urn, ash trays, and “Out-of-Control” Skipper… Britanny Spears Barbie–same as 12 Step/AA Barbie plus: Beverly Hills Ambulance gurney, velcro restraints, three paparazzi, and $7,000,000 a year in recording residuals.Late addition to Britanny Spears Barbie–Now comes with contract for cartoon superhero, broadcast on a cable channel to be determined… 

half full or..?

March 14, 2008

For those who cannot decide if the glass is half full or half empty: fill it to the top. Eliminate the controversy…bringing you things Mitch Hedberg might have said.

More Signs of attitude versus someone truly disturbed

March 3, 2008

If your child is caught playing doctor, don’t worry about. That’s a normal thing, unless he or she informs you they are playing Doctor Mengele…

Jeez, what was I thinkin?

March 1, 2008

Someone sent me a chain letter sort of thing.  When I was done the answers surprised even me…

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Some guy from the Bible, Saint Mr. Know-it-all

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? When Bush took office

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? I don’t even like my typing

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE LUNCH MEAT? Endangered Species Loaf

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Yes, but he hates me from afar.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Sure, if I had more money than me

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? F*ck no!

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? They’re around here somewhere

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Over what?

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE CEREAL Quisp and Quake

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? What need have I for shoes! I wear hospital slippers after they took all my shoe laces away

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Willed, yes

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE ICE CREAM? The kind with lots of fat and sugar

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING PEOPLE NOTICE ABOUT YOU? The LoJack strapped on my ankle

15. RED OR PINK? Salmon or lace undies?

16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVOURITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? My… um… indecision? I guess… um… wait…

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? With a gun?

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? I don’t know. Can they send Euros, too?

19. WHAT COLOUR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Transparent pants and a trenchcoat. Shoes? see above

20. WHAT IS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Crow

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The voices in my head

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOUR WOULD YOU BE? Psycho-delic, bay-bee

23. What is your favourite smell? Saran wrap

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? (True story) Some friggin’ guy from India or Pakistan who wanted me to buy some shit, I told him that he already called me earlier in the day (he had not). Then I said: “What did I tell you then?” First he said “What did you say?” except it was more like ‘whuut deed yew sayah?’ I repeated: “What did I tell you when you called me the first time?” He stammered  a bit and then replied, (I’m not making this up) “Oh most very sorry. I will correct our records. Have a good day.” And then he hung up. I LOVE to screw with telemarketers!

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? I used to…when we were the only two people on the planet

26. FAVOURITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Gladiator NASCAR… light beer… ball

27. HAIR COLOUR? Transparent/shaved… well not ALL my hair but the hair people see um… mostly, um… no comment

28. EYE COLOUR? red… but black right in the center

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Can’t read this question

30. FAVOURITE FOOD? Generic or is it genetic?

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy endings that scare me movies.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? The one playing inside my head… like the gangster in “Tampopo”

33. WHAT COLOUR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? White with a yellowing collar and stencilled across the front: University of Warrshington

34. SUMMER OR WINTER? Tuesdays

35. HUGS OR KISSES? Spankings

36. FAVOURITE DESSERT? See above

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND TO? Please step out of the car, sir!

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND TO?  Debbie?

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? “Hypnotism and the Control of Women” (obviously fiction)

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? A stain

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT? Snow, thanks for the  HDTV…

42. FAVOURITE SOUND? That buzzing sound… there, did you hear it?

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Neither are tasty, nor nutritious but I’ll take the one with the most sugar or the one that’s best with salsa and ‘Mescan’ beer

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Planet X

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I know some people on Planet X they gave me a ride once

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Right in this chair

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK? That dead guy who wants to give me pertinent information about the stock market at not no cost and with no obligation

48. STRANGEST THING TO HAPPEN TO YOU? I was kidnapped by aliens, and I asked them if they were gonna do sexual experiments on me. They said nah. But I asked them again. And they no. I gave them hints on stuff they could do. They stopped and kicked me out of their space ship… made me walk home… the bastards. I’m still angry I guess.

 

Am I the only one who thinks like this? Let me know… and don’t press the aliens about sexual stuff… unless they bring it up first

Light bulb jokes I wrote today…

March 1, 2008

Q. How many crack whores does it take to change a light bulb? A. One, but her pimp has to slap the shit out of her before she’ll do it right. Q. How many Bush Administrators does it take to change a light bulb? A. Two: one to contract the job out to Halliburton and one to change the terror-alert status to ‘dark.’