Archive for the ‘crazy people’ Category

Leaked memo from FOXNews

May 3, 2009

MEMO for news depts

inre:       Swine Flu gets new name:

In keeping with “newsworthy” and interesting titles of illnesses for broadcast (i.e. Mad Cow Disease) the Swine Flu will now be referred to as Hog Wild Syndrome. Expect new pandemic soon: undisclosed name; possibly Melancholy Tuna Palsy, Choleric Celery Diagnosis, Apoplectic Chicken Disorder or possible product placement deal–ADHD Breakfast Cereal (company to be named later i.e. ADHD Wheaties or Frosted Flakes et cetera). Be prepared to insert one of the above at a moment’s notice.

Food and religion…

November 7, 2008

Praise Cheeses!

AND

Cheeses is my co-pilot

 

 

Always keep ’em guessing, mack…

Sons of sons…

May 29, 2008

In response to numerous photos and internet-forwarded tales of male children doing “male children stuff” presented along a specific format (i.e. if you have sons you have observed, these rules) I present to all readers (without admission of guilt and/or legal acceptance of any culpability in regards to any and all investigations or cases not closed by statute of limitation or any other legal… bullshit) a brief addendum of… “other lessons learned.”

The roof on the average single story house is not high enough to actually “open” a home-made parachute but IS high enough to turn an umbrella inside out thereby defeating any parachute-like capabilities it was thought to possess. The roof on the average single story house is high enough to break a seven year old’s leg even when utilizing an umbrella as a parachute. Leaving another parent’s son stranded atop the roof of the average single story house, because they were afraid to “parachute” off after watching someone else sustain injuries, will also warrant a beating from an irate parent. Parents may “laugh about stuff” between themselves but that does not mean they will laugh about those same things with the the guilty parties.

 

Using the Grandma-told-me-you-did-the-same-sorta-thing-when-you-were-my-age argument will invariably involve a beating while the parent exercises the yes-and-I-got-a-beating-for-it retort.

 

Drano and gasoline produce a violent reaction when mixed together. A reaction so violent that it’s impossible to outrun it on foot, regardless of the number of times and differing methods used to outrun it. The violent reaction of gasoline and Drano burns the skin no matter how times it splatters onto the same spot.

 

Stuffing mono filament fishing line inside a device containing multiple firecrackers duct-taped together, when ignited, sprays the nearby area with a burning debris that resembles napalm. Water will not extinguish a loose pile of burning mono filament fishing line, but instead will spread it out as the water floats the burning fishing line. It’s always wise to have a fire extinguisher at the ready when you have sons in your care. It’s even wiser to teach them how to use a fire extinguisher properly. That white powder in fire extinguishers tastes awful.

 

Nothing is as easy as it looks on television. Having a adult nearby to determine what is and what is not “easy” to do, even when seen on television, can prevent many injuries.

 

The concept of brakes and braking (or the safe egress from a speeding vehicle) should be considered before any exhibition of speed is attempted. At high speeds the cushioning effect of lawn is not as great as one might expect. Objects in motion tend to stay in motion (even when no longer under the control of a son) especially if that object is careening down a steep hill towards an uncontrolled intersection. Automobiles make short work of most unmanned wooden go-carts careening into uncontrolled intersections. Adults do not take such scientific experiments lightly. It’s tough to run away from an adult when nursing a broken collar bone. Parents always know when a child is hiding broken bones or serious physical injury. Adults will go to great lengths to find the parents of high-speed scientific experimenters AND will attempt to make any such financially responsible for the cost of vehicle reparation while completely overlooking the cost of wooden go-cart replacement and those parts involved. Parents will punish all sons involved even if one (or more) thought the planned act was dangerous and foolhardy. Just the afore knowledge of a planned dangerous and foolhardy act is, in the eyes of parents, a culpable act and ergo punishable by a beating. If the steering mechanism of wooden go-cart is found to be reversed (through faulty design), it’s best to fix it upon discovery of the fact rather than choosing to repair it “after primary high speed tests” have been affected. The phone number for medical emergencies is 911 but most children during those emergencies situations will either A) pretend they not injured in order to avoid punishment. B) threaten younger children if they report such injuries to any parent. C) deny it was their idea. D) run away from home. It’s difficult to runaway from home while sporting broken bones… Lastly, the beatings received after the fact are usually worse the initial injury.

 

In regards to the go-cart revelation let me further qualify. Of these “most infamous” past events the “go-cart affair” was the most studied. The male children from my neighborhood got together and built a go-cart (a design “by committee” is always bad) after seeing it done on TV. Wrapping the steering-control ropes around the steering column (surplus water pipe actually) and through the system of pulleys (we ‘requisitioned’ from dad’s work bench) actually set the steering function in reverse. Stan, my next oldest brother, begged to be the first pilot while… somebody, maybe with triple digit IQ… thought it best to change the steering (and even adding brakes) before we tried zipping down the nearby hill (which dumped out into a fairly busy cross street). No! Stan replied this was far too important to wait. We’d tend to the “details” after initially testing was completed he finished with a confident grin. Well, the damn thing bolted like a rabbit and ran away from us (we were trying to hold it, my brother claims otherwise). Stan, unable to steer the vehicle correctly, panicked, bouncing our timbered conveyance over a curb (where he affected an escape tumbling out of the vehicle onto a neighbor’s yard breaking his collar bone in the process). Our, now unmanned go-cart, careened downward into the cross street where it was immediately met by a speeding… [I don’t remember what make or model car it was but since it was the mid-1960s when this tragedy played out it was no doubt some American-made behemoth created of steel and concrete, I’m sure] instantly disintegrating our experimental vehicle before our astonished eyes. After the smoke cleared (from the wheel wells of the cars formerly speeding along that avenue but now skidded to a complete stop) I swear to God there formed an angry mob like the one that hounded Frankenstein’s monster. All they needed were torches to complete the scene.

“There they are!” coming from a red-faced man, his finger pointed uphill towards our young clan was all I needed to hear to set my feet moving briskly. I climbed up onto our roof (yes, the one that broke so many bones and spirits over the years) to view the melee from afar. Stan was cradling his arm to his chest as he sprinted for cover, weeping the whole way because every step he took was torture, what with his broken collar bone. I was laughing and crying, because we, all of us in the neighborhood, were gonna get a beating but on the same hand it was a wholly glorious to see that wooden body disintegrate in an instant. The drivers from the go-cart destruction derby drove up and down the street until one of the “mom squad” (that was the elite ‘undercover division’ of neighborhood matriarchs ready to spirit through the neighborhood in Mrs. Smith’s Country  Squire wagon, flying around corners in a full four-wheel-drift, the engine screaming as these adult figures pursued us) figured these citizens were looking for one, or all of us. Yes, we ALL got beatings and yes, we ALL had to pitch in to pay for the damages on the guy’s car, but that incident is still recanted in hushed tones by the mom squad et al around the bar-b-que on summer evenings. Ah, youth. Where hast thou gone?

Watch this movie or I’ll kill this car!

April 12, 2008

blah, blah, blah...

Ever wondered what happens to those leased beauties after the lease runs out?

Find out the shocking truth in “The Fleet Kings!”

Discover the disquieting revelations of car dealer fleet salesmen — they’ll make you laugh, they’ll make you cry, they’ll make you take a test drive… If you dare!

It’s about cars, guns, chicks, and more money wasted on one celluloid stink bomb than you’ll earn in your entire life… Unless… you’re one of “The Fleet Kings.”

See them sell cars below Kelly Blue Book. See used cars treated as chattel. See men slide their sweaty palms over the sleek lines of previously owed automobiles.

See Keanu Reeves flex. See his new watch. See his nice haircut.

See overpaid actors grimace while Reeves acts wooden–again–but looks great doing it! See scantily clad women grimace while Reeves acts wooden–again. See some guy with only one name grimace while Reeves acts wooden–again. See a guy who has “the” as a part of his name… but is not a wrestler or Cedric.

Filmed in patented “ink-o-vision” by famed artist Ralph Steadman.

Before you ever buy another car, See “The Fleet Kings.”

This film is rated IQ… No one with a triple digit IQ permitted without an accountant.

New bumper sticker OR tee-shirt

April 8, 2008

Registered sex addict…

In case of accident

suck my dick

Interview with a damn-liar

March 18, 2008

Excerpts from my first (Mr. Know-it-all), and probably last, interview.*

 

I’ll call my interviewer Q… like in the Bond movies but this isn’t same person. And I’ll be playing the part of A. Because I’m considered an… uh. I’ll be A.

 

Q. Did you write as a child?

A. When I was a child I wrote as a child…

Q. Good line.

A. It’s from a movie, Wings of Desire.

Q. Okay then. What did you do as a child?

A. I stared at the television a lot, even when it wasn’t on. That’s when I saw them… these spectral like… these ghostly images moving across the screen… sometimes peering at me. That’s when I knew there were others in my house… Then I figured out it was my parents, I was just seeing their reflection in the screen. They told me later they were checking to see if I still had a pulse. I don’t remember if I did or not, have… have a pulse, but I’m pretty sure I did.

Q. Um, okay. Were those your first memories?

A. No. My first memories were of the confusion of… birth. It was cold and somebody was slapping me around, first thing, I didn’t even have time to do something wrong, just pow! And I was tryin’ to figure out why I got evicted. I was quiet, non-smoker, no pets or loud parties. And then this guy cuts the cord. ‘Hey pal. Whatcha doin’ that for? Now, I’m stuck here.’

Q. Uh huh. What do you parents think about you now?

A. They don’t. They’re dead, cremated. I didn’t have much money then, so I took care of the arrangements myself. A burn can and a bag of self-starting briquettes… but it was nice. There was music. My neighborhood if there was a burn can and an open flame on the sidewalk a half dozen folks would show up and start singing.

Q. Did you have brothers and sisters?

A. That wasn’t up to me.

Q. No… Did your parents have any other children?

A. I… never… asked. I tried to respect their privacy.

Q. Grandparents?

A. Oh yeah. They were together to the end… she was a stewardess and he was… the Safety Officer… on the Hindenburg.

Q. And great grandparents?

A. Oh, that’s a stretch. They were good, but not everyone would claim they were great.

Q. Okay. Where did you go to school?

A. Um, I went to a school at this rectangular building with a playground and some fields right next to it. It was a couple of block from my house and a bunch of other kids were there too, so it was ideal for uh, school. Ya know.

Q. Tsk, all right. Do you have any photos I can use for this article?

A. I have one photo, but there is some controversy surrounding it.

Q. I’m afraid to ask, but what kind of controversy?

A. Some people have suggested it’s just a Sasquatch in a human suit, but that’s neither been proven nor disproven.

Q. Okay, that’s it.

 

* This was a project a friend was given for a journalism class: interviewing a difficult subject. I’m keeping these answers for my first ‘real’ interview. Thanks to all, Mr. Know-it-all…

new tee-shirt…

March 15, 2008

My boyfriend went to Thailand…And all I got was herpes.

More Signs of attitude versus someone truly disturbed

March 3, 2008

If your child is caught playing doctor, don’t worry about. That’s a normal thing, unless he or she informs you they are playing Doctor Mengele…

Jeez, what was I thinkin?

March 1, 2008

Someone sent me a chain letter sort of thing.  When I was done the answers surprised even me…

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Some guy from the Bible, Saint Mr. Know-it-all

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? When Bush took office

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? I don’t even like my typing

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE LUNCH MEAT? Endangered Species Loaf

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Yes, but he hates me from afar.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Sure, if I had more money than me

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? F*ck no!

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? They’re around here somewhere

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Over what?

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE CEREAL Quisp and Quake

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? What need have I for shoes! I wear hospital slippers after they took all my shoe laces away

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Willed, yes

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE ICE CREAM? The kind with lots of fat and sugar

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING PEOPLE NOTICE ABOUT YOU? The LoJack strapped on my ankle

15. RED OR PINK? Salmon or lace undies?

16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVOURITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? My… um… indecision? I guess… um… wait…

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? With a gun?

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? I don’t know. Can they send Euros, too?

19. WHAT COLOUR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Transparent pants and a trenchcoat. Shoes? see above

20. WHAT IS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Crow

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The voices in my head

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOUR WOULD YOU BE? Psycho-delic, bay-bee

23. What is your favourite smell? Saran wrap

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? (True story) Some friggin’ guy from India or Pakistan who wanted me to buy some shit, I told him that he already called me earlier in the day (he had not). Then I said: “What did I tell you then?” First he said “What did you say?” except it was more like ‘whuut deed yew sayah?’ I repeated: “What did I tell you when you called me the first time?” He stammered  a bit and then replied, (I’m not making this up) “Oh most very sorry. I will correct our records. Have a good day.” And then he hung up. I LOVE to screw with telemarketers!

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? I used to…when we were the only two people on the planet

26. FAVOURITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Gladiator NASCAR… light beer… ball

27. HAIR COLOUR? Transparent/shaved… well not ALL my hair but the hair people see um… mostly, um… no comment

28. EYE COLOUR? red… but black right in the center

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Can’t read this question

30. FAVOURITE FOOD? Generic or is it genetic?

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy endings that scare me movies.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? The one playing inside my head… like the gangster in “Tampopo”

33. WHAT COLOUR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? White with a yellowing collar and stencilled across the front: University of Warrshington

34. SUMMER OR WINTER? Tuesdays

35. HUGS OR KISSES? Spankings

36. FAVOURITE DESSERT? See above

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND TO? Please step out of the car, sir!

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND TO?  Debbie?

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? “Hypnotism and the Control of Women” (obviously fiction)

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? A stain

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT? Snow, thanks for the  HDTV…

42. FAVOURITE SOUND? That buzzing sound… there, did you hear it?

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Neither are tasty, nor nutritious but I’ll take the one with the most sugar or the one that’s best with salsa and ‘Mescan’ beer

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Planet X

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I know some people on Planet X they gave me a ride once

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Right in this chair

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK? That dead guy who wants to give me pertinent information about the stock market at not no cost and with no obligation

48. STRANGEST THING TO HAPPEN TO YOU? I was kidnapped by aliens, and I asked them if they were gonna do sexual experiments on me. They said nah. But I asked them again. And they no. I gave them hints on stuff they could do. They stopped and kicked me out of their space ship… made me walk home… the bastards. I’m still angry I guess.

 

Am I the only one who thinks like this? Let me know… and don’t press the aliens about sexual stuff… unless they bring it up first

More stupid stuff

February 26, 2008

I got a ticket the other day. I went to court and got it reduced. I pled guilty to ‘aggravated failure to yield.’

 

I wanted to do an Ice-capades version of the play that was featured in “The Producers.” Remember the play they did was titled “Springtime For Hitler.” It was a great concept but I couldn’t find 6,000,000 Jews that could ice skate.

 

NASCAR has a new sponsored car from AARP. Terrific, huh? Everybody gets to watch a car drive 400 miles with its left turn signal on.

 

… the boxer eyed his target: the canvas.

 

Brittany Spears–back in papers… I saw one tabloid, the headline read “I Don’t Want My Children Back!” What makes her think they would give her children back? Jesus, they’d stand a better chance if they were released into the wild and raised by wolves. Maybe Yellowstone NP has a suitable place for them…

 

Why does AMC (American Movie Channel) suggest other movie to watch… i.e. If you’re enjoying “When Harry Met Sally” you’ll love “Taxi Driver.”

 

… she had 400 pubic inches of sexual displacement.

 

Was Superman faster than a speeding bullet in bed?