Archive for August, 2007

FlavorFlav roast: the ones that got away

August 29, 2007

Lisa Lampanelli – she loves to wear those low cut blouses, she just keeps pushing her flesh up… and out the top. And this is not a small girl. She hasn’t seen her feet since… well, the last time she saw her feet some black guy was trying to shove ’em behind her head.

 

Snoop dogg and his parole officer made it tonight. After the show he’ll talk to members of the audience, but if he leaves the stage it’ll set off the alarm on his ankle bracelet. Snoop our representative to the American Green Party… In Bob Marley We Trust, Mon. He’s gotta trust in somebody, he’s too fucking high to drive.

 

Jimmy Kimmel – everybody who pairs up with him goes down in flames. He killed Adam Corolla’s career, then his own son… now he’s working on Sarah Silverman’s. This guy has killed more careers than NAFTA on a month long crack binge.

 

Flav and Brigette Nielson must have been a funny pairing. Flav making love to her must have been like banging a pool cue around inside a garbage can. He’s a skinny shit. This woman has had bigger things inside her vagina than you… and didn’t even know it.

 

And then we have Nestea… sorry Ice T, I apologize to the makers of Nestea. He’s been acting a great deal, on a channel that needed to offset the high costs of their real ‘bread and butter’…info-mercials. The black rappers always the great nicknames, Flavor-flav, Snoop Doggy Dogg, Ice Tea… what do the white folks get? Vanilla Ice or Carrot Top. What a gyp.

 

Carrot Top – Look at that face. It reminds me of ‘A Portrait of Dorian Gray.’ Somewhere in a dark corner of a dusty attic is a painting of Carrot Top… that looks really good

 

Patten Oswald — He did a voice over for a rat in a cartoon. Here’s a guy whose physical appearance was too creepy to play a rat. He’ll have to wait for someone to do a TV series about the Lord of the Rings, then he’s a lock for the cast. Third annoying hobbit– played by…

 

Jeff… – Do you have a regular job or is this the extent of Hollywood legacy. He’s becoming the Foster Brooks of the new millennia. Come on, even Joey Bishop did a talk show. Watching him is like watching a third rerun of the Brady Bunch.

 

Katt Williams — This is a little guy. Ron Jeremy’s dick is bigger than this guy. Hell, China’s dick is bigger than this guy.

 

Flavor-flav– always talking about ‘his kids’, Christ, he’s got more than Jerry Lewis. He brought the… ‘girls’ from his TV ‘reality’ show. Reality… only in America would an otherwise attractive young woman demean herself by competing… competing mind you, to have some skinny black guy with glasses, wearing a suit fuck ’em and then forget about ’em. Jesus, that show should have been titled selected chapters from the Sammie Davis Jr story.’ (If hooted for that joke then) It was either Sammy Davis Jr. or Prince, but Prince wouldn’t be caught dead wearing a suit like Flavor-flav’s. Prince’s flamboyant, not homeless.

And these ‘girls’ from his show… they have the moral standards of the Japanese Occupation Army in Nanking. (Flipped off by ‘girls’ :The newest gang sign from the first street whores.

What’s with the clock around your neck? It’s like some Muslim pickpocket… it’s only got one hand… Why is that one hand always up? Do you have a question or something? That is not a sundial. This one is much bigger than the first one you wore. You get much older and they’re just going to chain you up to Big Ben.

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