Porn by the pound

I simply love the internet. It is a surreal vignette of the western world. And the ubiquitous, yet arcane nature of sex, couples (pardon the pun) with the private nature of the internet to create a playground for the empirically unattractive folks to vicariously experience the attentions of silicon sweeties in 21-inch-plasma screen two-dimensional pseudo reality. Yum-yum! But even that is so twisted sometimes it transends irony. For example: Everything is categorized. I wanted to test that. I put in—plus size, puerto rican, she male, urinating in public… the prompt came back: do you want pix or video? Hm… Then I found a stie where I could pick nudes from a particular school. I guess I’m okay with any school, except maybe Jesuit Seminary… I found a category called fisting. This is an interesting concept. A guy puts his hand in a woman’s vagina halfway up to his elbow… but he has to make a fist, I guess, for it to really be “fisting”…  but how can WE be sure? Maybe they should have to wear 24 ounce boxing gloves. Truth in advertising. Then there is “amateurs,” (as opposed to “professional”). This is a category born of digital cameras and Blue Label Schmirnov vodka. And then you find a category called “Bizarre” keeping in mind some of these people are professionals – professionals… she’s got her dress up over her head and she’s doing the splits over a coke bottle, but it’s done in a professional manner. Shoot, I wouldn’t even call it porn. Hey, she’s a professional.What is she? Bonded?  Then I found “amateur fisting”… but a guy with 24 ounce boxing gloves on and his hand up a woman’s vagina halfway to his elbow is hard to believe fits into ANY “amateur” category – color me jaded… then to make it interesting he shoves an axe handle up the woman’s ass… and he starts spitting fire wood… can you pick just ONE point along this erotic  journey where you began to doubt the veracity of the ‘amateur’ label? Me neither, until I looked at the “professionals”… a guy with 24 ounce boxing gloves on and his hand up a woman’s vagina halfway to his elbow…an axe handle up the woman’s rectum…he’s chopping firewood… and the woman is looking at the camera and smiling! “I hope you have as much fun masturbating to these photos as I did making them…” She doesn’t look like she’s have sex, she looks like she having her driver’s license photo redone. And tattoos galore. I can remember when the only tattooed female flesh I saw was in National Geographic – now women have “Open other end” in block letters tattooed on their their ass. “Demur Teen” You know somewhere after your second birthday it’s tough to look demur with ankles behind your head. Russian Porn: it would seem pornography is Russia’s leading export after air-borne beta-particle radiation. How about, Petite Pussy… If there IS another kind I’d really rather not know about it. Fat Girls: Hey, if I wanted to see a “fat girl” I’d go sit in the bathroom when I heard the shower kick on, okay? That’s why I’m cruising the internet. Lots of videos out there… the most wasted credit in porn: written by. Are they afraid they’re going to hire a method actor. “What’s my motivation?”“You’ve got an erection, she’s got a vagina… and action.”Based on true story. I saw some beautiful girl in an ad – “Gain 3 inches on your penis, no pills just a simple exercise.” That was a waste of 20 bucks… I’ve been doing these exercises for years.  HEY, get a smaller vagina…YOU do those excerises…“And no surgery“Hey, bet on that, girly. You come at my dick with anything sharper than your front teeth and you’ve got a fight on your hands… I’ll make Hanibal Lechter look like a WalMart Greeter. But this was the strangest of all. “The Fleshlight”“The Fleshlight is a special toy made for guys. Most toys you find out there, you stick your dick in and it feels like you’re fucking a plastic soda bottle. The Fleshlight is made of a soft material that you can warm up by soaking in hot water. Add some lube, stick your dick inside and feel the Fleshlight surround you. It’s so much different than jacking off.”Really? HOW? You’re alone and having sex…“The jelly material will get you off in about a minute.”How do they know? Is there some Underwriters’ Laboratory test for this? A bunch of guys… some lady with clipboard and a stop watch… ‘And go.’If so, I’ve got a good answer the next time somebody asks me where I see myself in 5 years.“Another nice thing about this great toy is that it comes in a plastic container that looks a bit like a flashlight, so if anyone ever finds it they’ll probably think it’s a flashlight. Pretty nifty.”A BIT like a flashlight… so chances are if anyone finds it… they WON’T stick their dick in it— Damn it! Another flashlight!If that’s a problem around your house maybe it’s time for some new friends.Then it says, I’m not making this up…“How To Use The Fleshlight”

if you need instructions I think I know why you are spending so many nights alone…

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