The rest of the Shatner roast

Someone read the rest of my Shatner roast material-stuff I felt was too mean. They suggested I put all of my material in. So here it is…

Jason Alexander – he did for starring roles on TV what Ted McGinty did for co-starring roles. Betty White – she so old her first publicity shots can be found in Lascaux. Nichelle Nicols – She and Kirk shared the first inter-racial kiss on American TV.  So what, Kirk was stickin’ his winky into alien chicks who didn’t even live in this dimension.  As long as she had that part that went up and down, Kirk was ready to ‘boldly go where no man has gone before.’ And we never saw him wear protection, Just once I would’ve liked to see that med thing Bones was always carrying go off like a gieger counter when it came close to Kirk’s belt buckle. “Jim this is a star ship. Not a free clinic.” He’d be popping out penicillin like a Pez dispenser. Most people don’t realize that Nichele was the first black woman on American TV who didn’t serve white people food… but she also was the last black woman on American TV who didn’t do the ‘head-bobbing thing.’ Carrie Fischer is here.  She’s had more drugs running through her system than the coast line of Florida.  Artey – Radio side kick for Howard Stern… he’s just like Ed McMahon except Artey drinks a lot more.  Mel Gibson went on Howard Stern and suggested that Arty go into rehab. Kevin Pollack – Impressionists/impersonators these are people who are really boring as themselves.  So they pick somebody who has done something with their life and act like them.  Off screen he really is a crazy guy, in fact, they asked Kevin to play a role in “A Few Good Men” in order to make Tom Cruise look stable. Andy Dick – you might think it’s a case for ‘name is destiny’ but in fact he changed his name.  He was born Andrew Yourdicksinmeyeass but found Andy Dick was easier to say with his mouth full. Andy Dick’s still searching for the ultimate male enhancement system – he’s pretty much got the ‘sperm injection into the male colon’ crossed off the list… but he still has some hope. George Takai – This man lived in a city where sexual perfidity doesn’t just run through it, it sprints at Olympic speeds, and where careers are nutured on the sweat streaked leather of the casting couch.  And yet he hasn’t worked for forty years. George, you need to talk to your agent or Dr. Ruth.  You can’t be gay and THAT bad.  I’m not even sure you have to be conscious. (hey, can you call my agent when you’re done back there?  I’ve got a lunch meeting in 45…  Thumbing through magazines – whistles.) That’s like a pool cue in a garbage can.  And speaking of wide asses, if Lisa Lampanelli’s ass were a bridge you could drive from LA to Hawaii… eight lanes… with a grass divider Lisa Lampanelli – She’s had more black men in her than an Alabama chain gang — but then prison chain gangs have less turnover. I saw a pix on the internet of Lisa without any clothes and some nice black man was holding her up with just one arm… well, it looked like he was holding her up. You couldn’t really see his arm from the elbow down… Oh yeah, I met that guy the other day Lisa and he wanted to me ask you if you ever found his watch.  He said thanks for Rolex you gave him that next morning but it wasn’t his. Bill Shatner – Played many roles on TV but his most memorable was Captain Kirk. Kirk played with more alien tits than a gynocologist on Ellis Island. When Star Trek was first on TV some people complained about Shater’s portrayal of Kirk, that his acting was clumsy: they said things like Pinoccio was less wooden, Robot from Lost in Space had greater range, Mr Ed was more believable, Fred Flintstone was less animated, Arnold Zeffle the pig from Green Acres had a better singing voice (that one I happened agree with)… there was more but this is only an hour-long roast but they also said some good things: he was funnier than Ed Sullivan, they said his style wouldn’t spawn huge numbers of imitators… until Kevin Pollack received with an eviction notice…  in fact there were none until the residuals from “A Few Good Men” started to peter out. You see the television producer and executives didn’t want the dialogue to overshadow the characters in Star Trek – Marcel Marcau was their second choice for the role followed by Marlee Matlin as “Jamie” T. Kirk.  

But Shatner is an inspiration to actors everywhere he proved that an actor can have success after critical failure… after failure… after failure.


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