In the news today….

Washington Redskins bows to pressure to change name – will become the Washington Herpes Simplex Virus.  Owner Dan Snyder: “We think the name is still intimidating and at the very least we’ll get the showers to ourselves.” Weapons of Mass Destruction Finally Found – In TerhanBush – “Somebody in the Pentagon messed up.  They made the mistake, you see?  They typed Iraq instead of Iran.  But the people of Iran will welcome us as liberators.” Gay And Lesbian Alliance (GALA) elects Veep’s daughter as spokesperson.  Ms. Cheney:  “F*** Off!”  GALA backs statement. Stock Scandal CFO Receives Presidential Pardon – New Treasury Head Promises to Balance Budget  Rumsfeld Labels Muslims “…a religion of dead-enders” Bush Declares “Acne caused by poverty.”  Staffers claim he said ‘puberty.’ Bush Declares War on UN – “They got a flag.  I saw their army in Bosnia – with those blue helmuts.  We can kick butt on somebody who wears blue helmuts.” Rumsfeld dismisses Joint Chiefs – Declares “They didn’t know anything about war.” To End Worries Over SSA Bush raises retirement age to 95.  Bush – “That’s only 14 in dog years…” Dr for Cheney Heart Surgery Absent – Claims “Had Different Agenda” Faith Based Mixup Sends 450 kilos of marijuana from Rastafasrian Church to DC homeless shelter.  Recovery of “several pounds” expected Paris Hilton’s provocative behavior was in the news today… but then Paris Hilton’s provocative behavior is in the news everyday. Fredrick’s of Hollywood Pledges Aid to New Orleans – 12,500 Leopard-Print Push-up BrasSpokeswoman, Bambi Darling, stated, “Just because their country was devastated by a lot of water doesn’t mean they have to look frumpy.” Bush declares: “Today’s embryos, tomorrow, will pay for your Social Security… even though it’s just a bunch of papers… it’s not like real money, it’s just papers.  I’ve seen ‘em. And we need real money, you know, American greenbacks.  Printed money that’s what need. But these embryos, they’re real children, who are gonna make real money.” Pentagon officials promise to “bomb Afganistan back to stone-age.”  Acting Afgani Pres Hamid Karzai “…excited about the upgrade.”  

Pres W. Bush “Jesus Christ came back without the benefit of stem cell research.”  AMA accepts gov grant to study psychic surgery and faith healing.


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