Vincent Van Moe nee Van Mogh

born Van Mogh

ANY-thing more…

Is there anything more annoying than a rhetorical question?

Food and religion…

Praise Cheeses!

AND

Cheeses is my co-pilot

 

 

Always keep ‘em guessing, mack…

iGive Up

Today Macintosh Computers announced several new products in the development stage.

iBet-will allow gamblers to contact local bookies without using a normal phone line.

iQuit-users can tender their resignation without face-to-face confrontations.

iVay-a portable Talmud reader.

iDunno-this product is undergoing further definition.

more junk

She had a V6 brain stuck in a V8 body…

 

My neighborhood was tough… The cockroaches were either Crips or Bloods

 

If time is money, my sex life is small change

Watch this movie or I’ll kill this car!

Ever wondered what happens to those leased beauties after the lease runs out?

Find out the shocking truth in “The Fleet Kings!”

Discover the disquieting revelations of car dealer fleet salesmen — they’ll make you laugh, they’ll make you cry, they’ll make you take a test drive… If you dare!

It’s about cars, guns, chicks, and more money wasted on one celluloid stink bomb than you’ll earn in your entire life… Unless… you’re one of “The Fleet Kings.”

See them sell cars below Kelly Blue Book. See used cars treated as chattel. See men slide their sweaty palms over the sleek lines of previously owed automobiles.

See Keanu Reeves flex. See his new watch. See his nice haircut.

See overpaid actors grimace while Reeves acts wooden–again–but looks great doing it! See scantily clad women grimace while Reeves acts wooden–again. See some guy with only one name grimace while Reeves acts wooden–again. See a guy who has “the” as a part of his name… but is not a wrestler or Cedric.

Filmed in patented “ink-o-vision” by famed artist Ralph Steadman.

Before you ever buy another car, See “The Fleet Kings.”

This film is rated IQ… No one with a triple digit IQ permitted without an accountant.

New bumper sticker OR tee-shirt

Registered sex addict…

In case of accident

suck my dick

In case…

In Case of Emergency Notify: me, I don’t want to be left behind if there’s a fire or something…

sign we are winning in Afghanistan

Kabul WalMart is now selling spandex burkhas. Film at 11…

Interview with a damn-liar

Excerpts from my first (Mr. Know-it-all), and probably last, interview.*

 

I’ll call my interviewer Q… like in the Bond movies but this isn’t same person. And I’ll be playing the part of A. Because I’m considered an… uh. I’ll be A.

 

Q. Did you write as a child?

A. When I was a child I wrote as a child…

Q. Good line.

A. It’s from a movie, Wings of Desire.

Q. Okay then. What did you do as a child?

A. I stared at the television a lot, even when it wasn’t on. That’s when I saw them… these spectral like… these ghostly images moving across the screen… sometimes peering at me. That’s when I knew there were others in my house… Then I figured out it was my parents, I was just seeing their reflection in the screen. They told me later they were checking to see if I still had a pulse. I don’t remember if I did or not, have… have a pulse, but I’m pretty sure I did.

Q. Um, okay. Were those your first memories?

A. No. My first memories were of the confusion of… birth. It was cold and somebody was slapping me around, first thing, I didn’t even have time to do something wrong, just pow! And I was tryin’ to figure out why I got evicted. I was quiet, non-smoker, no pets or loud parties. And then this guy cuts the cord. ‘Hey pal. Whatcha doin’ that for? Now, I’m stuck here.’

Q. Uh huh. What do you parents think about you now?

A. They don’t. They’re dead, cremated. I didn’t have much money then, so I took care of the arrangements myself. A burn can and a bag of self-starting briquettes… but it was nice. There was music. My neighborhood if there was a burn can and an open flame on the sidewalk a half dozen folks would show up and start singing.

Q. Did you have brothers and sisters?

A. That wasn’t up to me.

Q. No… Did your parents have any other children?

A. I… never… asked. I tried to respect their privacy.

Q. Grandparents?

A. Oh yeah. They were together to the end… she was a stewardess and he was… the Safety Officer… on the Hindenburg.

Q. And great grandparents?

A. Oh, that’s a stretch. They were good, but not everyone would claim they were great.

Q. Okay. Where did you go to school?

A. Um, I went to a school at this rectangular building with a playground and some fields right next to it. It was a couple of block from my house and a bunch of other kids were there too, so it was ideal for uh, school. Ya know.

Q. Tsk, all right. Do you have any photos I can use for this article?

A. I have one photo, but there is some controversy surrounding it.

Q. I’m afraid to ask, but what kind of controversy?

A. Some people have suggested it’s just a Sasquatch in a human suit, but that’s neither been proven nor disproven.

Q. Okay, that’s it.

 

* This was a project a friend was given for a journalism class: interviewing a difficult subject. I’m keeping these answers for my first ‘real’ interview. Thanks to all, Mr. Know-it-all…