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Soldier’s Guide to Dating in Afghanistan

With the Abu Gharib Christmas Cotillion and Spring Mixer just around the corner it’s time to start the vetting process for a Summer date. Now that the available number of American females has been reduced by one (See: Courts Martial of Spc England) the need to start early is greater than ever. If you somehow don’t make the cut don’t lose heart. Do what military men have done for centuries. No, not masturbate, find a local girl to whisk away your heartaches. Being a former member of the military I can say without hesitation that most GIs want to carry firearms and have access to cheap booze and cigarettes in places where these luxuries can be put to good use. New Jersey springs to mind but the US military is no match for the Cosa Nostra, so why not declare war on Amsterdam or, at the very least, Nevada? But “ours is not to reason why.” So for those stationed in Southwest Asia who need to find a date amongst the locals here are a few tips. Finding a suitable date: Dating the local girls in Afghanistan isn’t like cruising the boardwalk with a friend’s cocker spaniel in hopes of meeting some babe wearing only a bikini and roller skates. The reason the Taliban made the Afghani women wear the burhka wasn’t to prevent lustful thoughts amongst the men. In fact, the head to toe covering encouraged men to fantasize about the female form lurking beneath that burlap tablecloth. Prior to that men were required to grow a full beard in order to determine males from females: with the short moustache and Elvis Presley sideburns usually indicative a female or the occasional eunuch (See: the Elvis in Hawaii Special). In Iraq dating the local girls presents a completely different problem: suicide bombers. Imagine your embarrassment if the little philly you brought to the “Green Zone” pub exploded next to the punch bowl. Places to go: The desert landscape is an acquired taste, much like lamb entrails. As an American, more used to some indications of civilization such as electric lights and pavement, the nearby “Lover’s Lane” could be a let down. The panorama at Sadam’s favorite KOA campground could prove to be as romantic as “Six Flags Over Hiroshima.” Stick to the “Green Zone” if possible. Gifts: What woman can resist Meals Ready to Eats (MREs)? This is a favorite gift of GIs to young women worldwide. The wax coated chocolate bars in the MRE are a consistent favorite amongst 6 to 11 year-old females. Beyond that age it gets trickier. Explosives is a favorite with the Muslim teenage girls and as they get older ammunition may replace detonation cord and plastique.  For the mother of your date keep it simple: C4 makes the perfect gift whether it’s for cooking, cleaning or getting the attention of one’s neighbor, US military issue plastic explosives is a welcome gift in any Middle Eastern household. One last note to remember on gifts: not everyone carries an AK-47. A thoughtful date will find out the correct calibers ahead of time. And bring enough for all members of the family. Nothing can be more heart wrentching than watching a dozen children gleefully packing magazines with 7.62 by .49 ammo while little Akmed stands by and presses his 9 mm Takarov to his tear-stained cheek wondering why he didn’t get a gift. Cleanliness: The concept of cleanliness in the Arab world is different from ours. Don’t worry: you’ll be clean enough for her but you might find that your date is less atuned to your sensitive western nose. Bring at least one full can of Lysol and be prepared to use it liberally. Additionally, consider bringing something to clear the air in close quarters: like a 3-speed fan or a smudge pot.  Deportment: When dating Muslim women keep in mind this simple rule: Muslim women are like underwear… once you’ve put it next to your skin nobody else wants it — so remember, if you touch it you’ve bought it. With these easy to follow guidelines you should have an enjoyable holiday season. If you can’t find a female the average Arab holds certain beliefs about young boys that are very different from ours. For tips on that consult my next chapter entitled, “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.” Oh yeah, if somebody asks you, tell ‘em Mr. Know-it-all sent ya.