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- born Van Mogh
Archive for the ‘controversy’ Category
Vincent Van Moe nee Van Mogh
October 30, 2009
GOP calls Obama Timid… WH: Get Over It…
June 22, 2009Republicans congressmen called the actions of the President, “timid” in his response to the disputed Iranian election. The White House line, in reply, has been a pejorative, “Get over it.”*
Spokesman for the party, Rush Limbaugh, is expected to rebut the comment with something un-researched and without bearing on the situation. Few individuals with a triple digit are expected to accept the corpulent former drug abuser’s words as serious.
* http://electionlawblog.org/archives/002445.html
ANY-thing more…
June 9, 2009Is there anything more annoying than a rhetorical question?
Leaked memo from FOXNews
May 3, 2009MEMO for news depts
inre: Swine Flu gets new name:
In keeping with “newsworthy” and interesting titles of illnesses for broadcast (i.e. Mad Cow Disease) the Swine Flu will now be referred to as Hog Wild Syndrome. Expect new pandemic soon: undisclosed name; possibly Melancholy Tuna Palsy, Choleric Celery Diagnosis, Apoplectic Chicken Disorder or possible product placement deal–ADHD Breakfast Cereal (company to be named later i.e. ADHD Wheaties or Frosted Flakes et cetera). Be prepared to insert one of the above at a moment’s notice.
Food and religion…
November 7, 2008Praise Cheeses!
AND
Cheeses is my co-pilot
Always keep ‘em guessing, mack…
Interview with a damn-liar
March 18, 2008
Excerpts from my first (Mr. Know-it-all), and probably last, interview.*
I’ll call my interviewer Q… like in the Bond movies but this isn’t same person. And I’ll be playing the part of A. Because I’m considered an… uh. I’ll be A.
Q. Did you write as a child?
A. When I was a child I wrote as a child…
Q. Good line.
A. It’s from a movie, Wings of Desire.
Q. Okay then. What did you do as a child?
A. I stared at the television a lot, even when it wasn’t on. That’s when I saw them… these spectral like… these ghostly images moving across the screen… sometimes peering at me. That’s when I knew there were others in my house… Then I figured out it was my parents, I was just seeing their reflection in the screen. They told me later they were checking to see if I still had a pulse. I don’t remember if I did or not, have… have a pulse, but I’m pretty sure I did.
Q. Um, okay. Were those your first memories?
A. No. My first memories were of the confusion of… birth. It was cold and somebody was slapping me around, first thing, I didn’t even have time to do something wrong, just pow! And I was tryin’ to figure out why I got evicted. I was quiet, non-smoker, no pets or loud parties. And then this guy cuts the cord. ‘Hey pal. Whatcha doin’ that for? Now, I’m stuck here.’
Q. Uh huh. What do you parents think about you now?
A. They don’t. They’re dead, cremated. I didn’t have much money then, so I took care of the arrangements myself. A burn can and a bag of self-starting briquettes… but it was nice. There was music. My neighborhood if there was a burn can and an open flame on the sidewalk a half dozen folks would show up and start singing.
Q. Did you have brothers and sisters?
A. That wasn’t up to me.
Q. No… Did your parents have any other children?
A. I… never… asked. I tried to respect their privacy.
Q. Grandparents?
A. Oh yeah. They were together to the end… she was a stewardess and he was… the Safety Officer… on the Hindenburg.
Q. And great grandparents?
A. Oh, that’s a stretch. They were good, but not everyone would claim they were great.
Q. Okay. Where did you go to school?
A. Um, I went to a school at this rectangular building with a playground and some fields right next to it. It was a couple of block from my house and a bunch of other kids were there too, so it was ideal for uh, school. Ya know.
Q. Tsk, all right. Do you have any photos I can use for this article?
A. I have one photo, but there is some controversy surrounding it.
Q. I’m afraid to ask, but what kind of controversy?
A. Some people have suggested it’s just a Sasquatch in a human suit, but that’s neither been proven nor disproven.
Q. Okay, that’s it.
* This was a project a friend was given for a journalism class: interviewing a difficult subject. I’m keeping these answers for my first ‘real’ interview. Thanks to all, Mr. Know-it-all…
half full or..?
March 14, 2008For those who cannot decide if the glass is half full or half empty: fill it to the top. Eliminate the controversy…bringing you things Mitch Hedberg might have said.
Got Bin Laden?
February 2, 2007The state department today announced its newest program in the hunt for fugitive terrorist, Osama Bin Laden.
President George W. Bush stated at a press conference earlier today a project he has personally overseen from its inception, the “Got Bin Laden?” project.
Said the President: “This whole thing started because the CIA gave us bad intel, ya see? So now we’re gonna put out good intel, heh heh. We are… um… gonna put Bin Laden’s face on tee shirts… and… uh… handbills and milk cartons and… uh, bumper stickers. It worked for that guy on television… with his kid. So I think with a uh… by putting up these handbills all over the Afghan-Pakastani border and the bumper stickers on military vehicles and the milk carton thing… we’ll have Bin Laden… soon. Thank you.”
This comes on the heels of the State Department’s wildly successful “Got Saddam?” campaign which resulted in the capture of the former dictator. Representitives of the State Department handed press kits containing the items mentioned by the President.
The rest of the Shatner roast
January 31, 2007Someone read the rest of my Shatner roast material-stuff I felt was too mean. They suggested I put all of my material in. So here it is…
Jason Alexander – he did for starring roles on TV what Ted McGinty did for co-starring roles. Betty White – she so old her first publicity shots can be found in Lascaux. Nichelle Nicols – She and Kirk shared the first inter-racial kiss on American TV. So what, Kirk was stickin’ his winky into alien chicks who didn’t even live in this dimension. As long as she had that part that went up and down, Kirk was ready to ‘boldly go where no man has gone before.’ And we never saw him wear protection, Just once I would’ve liked to see that med thing Bones was always carrying go off like a gieger counter when it came close to Kirk’s belt buckle. “Jim this is a star ship. Not a free clinic.” He’d be popping out penicillin like a Pez dispenser. Most people don’t realize that Nichele was the first black woman on American TV who didn’t serve white people food… but she also was the last black woman on American TV who didn’t do the ‘head-bobbing thing.’ Carrie Fischer is here. She’s had more drugs running through her system than the coast line of Florida. Artey – Radio side kick for Howard Stern… he’s just like Ed McMahon except Artey drinks a lot more. Mel Gibson went on Howard Stern and suggested that Arty go into rehab. Kevin Pollack – Impressionists/impersonators these are people who are really boring as themselves. So they pick somebody who has done something with their life and act like them. Off screen he really is a crazy guy, in fact, they asked Kevin to play a role in “A Few Good Men” in order to make Tom Cruise look stable. Andy Dick – you might think it’s a case for ‘name is destiny’ but in fact he changed his name. He was born Andrew Yourdicksinmeyeass but found Andy Dick was easier to say with his mouth full. Andy Dick’s still searching for the ultimate male enhancement system – he’s pretty much got the ‘sperm injection into the male colon’ crossed off the list… but he still has some hope. George Takai – This man lived in a city where sexual perfidity doesn’t just run through it, it sprints at Olympic speeds, and where careers are nutured on the sweat streaked leather of the casting couch. And yet he hasn’t worked for forty years. George, you need to talk to your agent or Dr. Ruth. You can’t be gay and THAT bad. I’m not even sure you have to be conscious. (hey, can you call my agent when you’re done back there? I’ve got a lunch meeting in 45… Thumbing through magazines – whistles.) That’s like a pool cue in a garbage can. And speaking of wide asses, if Lisa Lampanelli’s ass were a bridge you could drive from LA to Hawaii… eight lanes… with a grass divider Lisa Lampanelli – She’s had more black men in her than an Alabama chain gang — but then prison chain gangs have less turnover. I saw a pix on the internet of Lisa without any clothes and some nice black man was holding her up with just one arm… well, it looked like he was holding her up. You couldn’t really see his arm from the elbow down… Oh yeah, I met that guy the other day Lisa and he wanted to me ask you if you ever found his watch. He said thanks for Rolex you gave him that next morning but it wasn’t his. Bill Shatner – Played many roles on TV but his most memorable was Captain Kirk. Kirk played with more alien tits than a gynocologist on Ellis Island. When Star Trek was first on TV some people complained about Shater’s portrayal of Kirk, that his acting was clumsy: they said things like Pinoccio was less wooden, Robot from Lost in Space had greater range, Mr Ed was more believable, Fred Flintstone was less animated, Arnold Zeffle the pig from Green Acres had a better singing voice (that one I happened agree with)… there was more but this is only an hour-long roast but they also said some good things: he was funnier than Ed Sullivan, they said his style wouldn’t spawn huge numbers of imitators… until Kevin Pollack received with an eviction notice… in fact there were none until the residuals from “A Few Good Men” started to peter out. You see the television producer and executives didn’t want the dialogue to overshadow the characters in Star Trek – Marcel Marcau was their second choice for the role followed by Marlee Matlin as “Jamie” T. Kirk.
But Shatner is an inspiration to actors everywhere he proved that an actor can have success after critical failure… after failure… after failure.
