Kabul WalMart is now selling spandex burkhas. Film at 11…
Archive for March, 2008
sign we are winning in Afghanistan
March 25, 2008Interview with a damn-liar
March 18, 2008
Excerpts from my first (Mr. Know-it-all), and probably last, interview.*
I’ll call my interviewer Q… like in the Bond movies but this isn’t same person. And I’ll be playing the part of A. Because I’m considered an… uh. I’ll be A.
Q. Did you write as a child?
A. When I was a child I wrote as a child…
Q. Good line.
A. It’s from a movie, Wings of Desire.
Q. Okay then. What did you do as a child?
A. I stared at the television a lot, even when it wasn’t on. That’s when I saw them… these spectral like… these ghostly images moving across the screen… sometimes peering at me. That’s when I knew there were others in my house… Then I figured out it was my parents, I was just seeing their reflection in the screen. They told me later they were checking to see if I still had a pulse. I don’t remember if I did or not, have… have a pulse, but I’m pretty sure I did.
Q. Um, okay. Were those your first memories?
A. No. My first memories were of the confusion of… birth. It was cold and somebody was slapping me around, first thing, I didn’t even have time to do something wrong, just pow! And I was tryin’ to figure out why I got evicted. I was quiet, non-smoker, no pets or loud parties. And then this guy cuts the cord. ‘Hey pal. Whatcha doin’ that for? Now, I’m stuck here.’
Q. Uh huh. What do you parents think about you now?
A. They don’t. They’re dead, cremated. I didn’t have much money then, so I took care of the arrangements myself. A burn can and a bag of self-starting briquettes… but it was nice. There was music. My neighborhood if there was a burn can and an open flame on the sidewalk a half dozen folks would show up and start singing.
Q. Did you have brothers and sisters?
A. That wasn’t up to me.
Q. No… Did your parents have any other children?
A. I… never… asked. I tried to respect their privacy.
Q. Grandparents?
A. Oh yeah. They were together to the end… she was a stewardess and he was… the Safety Officer… on the Hindenburg.
Q. And great grandparents?
A. Oh, that’s a stretch. They were good, but not everyone would claim they were great.
Q. Okay. Where did you go to school?
A. Um, I went to a school at this rectangular building with a playground and some fields right next to it. It was a couple of block from my house and a bunch of other kids were there too, so it was ideal for uh, school. Ya know.
Q. Tsk, all right. Do you have any photos I can use for this article?
A. I have one photo, but there is some controversy surrounding it.
Q. I’m afraid to ask, but what kind of controversy?
A. Some people have suggested it’s just a Sasquatch in a human suit, but that’s neither been proven nor disproven.
Q. Okay, that’s it.
* This was a project a friend was given for a journalism class: interviewing a difficult subject. I’m keeping these answers for my first ‘real’ interview. Thanks to all, Mr. Know-it-all…
new tee-shirt…
March 15, 2008My boyfriend went to Thailand…And all I got was herpes.
half full or..?
March 14, 2008For those who cannot decide if the glass is half full or half empty: fill it to the top. Eliminate the controversy…bringing you things Mitch Hedberg might have said.
Mr. Know-it-all Buys A Used Car
March 7, 2008
In these times of overvalued new cars and bleak employment outlook it pays to know how to buy a used car. Most of us are only three paychecks away from homelessness (finding the ideal location for a cardboard box will be covered in a future article). Because of this ’state of the union’ being prepared to downsize from an SUV that burns premium unleaded gasoline at a rate equivalent to a space shuttle launch to a more moderate coal burning, vehicle the size and make up of a Red Flyer Wagon is imperative.
To truly appreciate the vehicles on today’s market, one must make a trip to the local new car dealership. That’s right new. Initially, a salesman will ask you a lot of unnecessary and invasive questions about your employment history, wages earned, and if you have a valid driver’s license. At this early stage in the process it is not wise to rant loudly, in a strange accent, “I only want to learn to steer, I don’t care about stopping…” Actions like this should be saved until you have taken the wheel and merged into the fast lane on the Interstate.
As for the financial queries required before the average dealer will allow you behind the wheel, use someone else’s information – like a parent or someone dead. If your salesman notices a distinct age disparity and comments that “you look 25 years old, not 58,” thank him or her, politely and tell them you represent the Ernest and Tava Borgnine Beauty System and would be willing to give them a complete free make over after they attend a 45 minute no-obligation seminar on the system. Rest assured your salesman will not bring up the subject again.
As you speak to the salesman try to impress upon him or her that you are not just some “tire kicking” techno-phobe. Elucidate on the marvels of the “ion-free radial fermentation” engine, asking when are they expecting to put an engine like that into their cars. Make things up. These people are salesmen, not engineers. Last week he or she was probably selling water beds so they will never know the difference.
Next will come your chance to sit behind the wheel in a showroom demonstrator. Play with every button and gadget on the dashboard. This will come in handy in a later step. Try to pull buttons off the dash explaining that you sometimes transport chimps and orangutans to the zoo and that “they just love to play with buttons.”
Tell the salesman you want to look under the hood as you fumble for the hood release. Wait until they step to front of the car to unlatch the hood, then lay on the horn. This never fails to amuse the rest of the sales staff and will show your salesman you are clever enough to find the best hidden of all gadgets in a car – the horn. If your salesman shows signs of stress at this moment, press the windshield washer button. As the stream shoots over the roof onto the sales manager’s desk you can innocently exclaim, “Oh, there it is!”
As you examine modern marvels under the hood point to each and every separate component in the engine compartment and ask your salesman, “What does that do?” This is done to impress upon your salesman that you aren’t going to buy anything superfluous. Tell them up front, “I don’t want to buy a car with an exhaust system, I want to make my own. Can I special order a car without that junk?”
Always check the primer under that factory coat of paint. A pocket knife or a key will let you get nose to bare aluminum. Ask your salesman how many different colors of primer you can get in that model. Paint is paint but primer is forever.
Now comes the road test. This is always the most fun. After you start the car turn the key again to the “start” position. As the engine makes that awful high pitched grinding noise ask the salesman, “Is that a knock I hear in the engine?”
Next, you will want to mash the accelerator to the floorboard and keep it there. As the engine begins to howl stare plaintively at the salesman and say, “This is how I always warm up a car.” In mechanics’ terms this is called “floating the values.” This is the automotive equivalent to that moment right before the Chernobyl meltdown, but that isn’t as much as fun as the look on the face of your salesman reflected in the red glow of the dashboard warning lights.
With the engine still screaming, slam the gear shift lever into “reverse” briefly and then into “drive.” As the white smoke billows out of the wheel wells, explain to the salesman that this is done to heat up the tires before pulling into traffic. Maximum traction is needed, given the number of “really stupid” drivers on the road.
As you approach the onramp to the freeway make sure to accelerate hard while oversteering. This will allow the rear wheels–on a rear wheel drive car–to lose traction leaving the car in a sideways free fall. You should be able to recover quickly by steering the same direction you are sliding. If not, you will end up on the raised divider next to the sign forbidding “pedestrians beyond this point.” You can then comment to your salesman, “Boy, for the price of this beast, you’d think she’d handle better.” If the car you are testing is a front wheel drive vehicle it may not slide as described, but it’s still good fun.
At some point you have to test the brakes. This is done by taking both hands off the wheel and slamming the brakes on full force. A maneuver like this can cause concern with the average car salesman, but explain that you used to drive in the demolition derby and usually had everything under control. This is done to evoke the salesman’s respect for your professional status and to once again giggle when you see that look of terror in the salesman’s beady eyes.
Testing the suspension is an important issue for any intelligent car buyer. The right side can be checked by turning quickly onto the curb where a driveway meets the street. Traveling at no less that 60 miles per hour, straddle the curb and turn quickly back into the lane. However, this test only provides some idea of one side’s capabilities.
Checking the left side suspension can be trickier. Some freeways have a concrete divider than is wider at the bottom than the top. If a driver can nudge this divider, ever so gently, it will leave the left side wheels momentarily free from the “surly bonds of gravity,” only to have your vehicle bounce back into traffic, abruptly. If any other driver dares to honk their horn, swerve at them quickly, and pull back just to “check this baby’s response.”
Last, but not least, any “good” suspension should be able to sustain a quick trip down a concrete stairway. This may evoke an irrational response you’re your salesman especially if you have to share that stairway with pedestrians or other drivers testing their suspension. Explain that you may buy a fleet of cars for a movie and ask if the salesman remembers what “The Blues Brothers” did for Chrysler.
After you have returned to the dealership, walk around the car several times and then hit the windshield with your fist stating, “If it won’t stand up to flesh and bone how can it be expected to stop a flying beer bottle at the ‘Handguns for Jesus’ rally?”
Now, you have one last card to play. Look your salesman in the eye and say, “I’m not convinced. Do you have any used cars that we can look at?” The average salesman will recognize your thorough nature and will offer you any car on the lot at a “significant price reduction” to avoid another test ride. If they are not willing to make an equitable deal remind your salesman of the nature of the “As Is” laws and tell them you don’t want to “get taken.”
Some salesman are truly unflappable and if you are unfortunate enough to meet any of these announce loud enough for everyone on the lot and passersby to hear, “I don’t know. Let me ask my ‘coven leader’ what he thinks.” If there is still no change in your salesman’s demeanor make a furtive move like you might be grasping for a firearm. If the salesman moves to intercept your feint, scream loudly about sexual harassment or fall to the ground like you are in the throes of some diabetic convulsion. If even this fails to produce some modicum of sympathy admit you’ve been bested
Then move to the next lot and repeat the process until “your price” has been proffered. And if anybody asks, tell ‘em Mr. Know-it-all sent ya.
More Signs of attitude versus someone truly disturbed
March 3, 2008If your child is caught playing doctor, don’t worry about. That’s a normal thing, unless he or she informs you they are playing Doctor Mengele…
Jeez, what was I thinkin?
March 1, 2008
Someone sent me a chain letter sort of thing. When I was done the answers surprised even me…
1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Some guy from the Bible, Saint Mr. Know-it-all
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? When Bush took office
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? I don’t even like my typing
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE LUNCH MEAT? Endangered Species Loaf
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Yes, but he hates me from afar.
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Sure, if I had more money than me
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? F*ck no!
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? They’re around here somewhere
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Over what?
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE CEREAL Quisp and Quake
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? What need have I for shoes! I wear hospital slippers after they took all my shoe laces away
12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Willed, yes
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE ICE CREAM? The kind with lots of fat and sugar
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING PEOPLE NOTICE ABOUT YOU? The LoJack strapped on my ankle
15. RED OR PINK? Salmon or lace undies?
16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVOURITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? My… um… indecision? I guess… um… wait…
17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? With a gun?
18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? I don’t know. Can they send Euros, too?
19. WHAT COLOUR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Transparent pants and a trenchcoat. Shoes? see above
20. WHAT IS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Crow
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The voices in my head
22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOUR WOULD YOU BE? Psycho-delic, bay-bee
23. What is your favourite smell? Saran wrap
24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? (True story) Some friggin’ guy from India or Pakistan who wanted me to buy some shit, I told him that he already called me earlier in the day (he had not). Then I said: “What did I tell you then?” First he said “What did you say?” except it was more like ‘whuut deed yew sayah?’ I repeated: “What did I tell you when you called me the first time?” He stammered a bit and then replied, (I’m not making this up) “Oh most very sorry. I will correct our records. Have a good day.” And then he hung up. I LOVE to screw with telemarketers!
25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? I used to…when we were the only two people on the planet
26. FAVOURITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Gladiator NASCAR… light beer… ball
27. HAIR COLOUR? Transparent/shaved… well not ALL my hair but the hair people see um… mostly, um… no comment
28. EYE COLOUR? red… but black right in the center
29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Can’t read this question
30. FAVOURITE FOOD? Generic or is it genetic?
31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy endings that scare me movies.
32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? The one playing inside my head… like the gangster in “Tampopo”
33. WHAT COLOUR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? White with a yellowing collar and stencilled across the front: University of Warrshington
34. SUMMER OR WINTER? Tuesdays
35. HUGS OR KISSES? Spankings
36. FAVOURITE DESSERT? See above
37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND TO? Please step out of the car, sir!
38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND TO? Debbie?
39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? “Hypnotism and the Control of Women” (obviously fiction)
40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? A stain
41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT? Snow, thanks for the HDTV…
42. FAVOURITE SOUND? That buzzing sound… there, did you hear it?
43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Neither are tasty, nor nutritious but I’ll take the one with the most sugar or the one that’s best with salsa and ‘Mescan’ beer
44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Planet X
45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I know some people on Planet X they gave me a ride once
46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Right in this chair
47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK? That dead guy who wants to give me pertinent information about the stock market at not no cost and with no obligation
48. STRANGEST THING TO HAPPEN TO YOU? I was kidnapped by aliens, and I asked them if they were gonna do sexual experiments on me. They said nah. But I asked them again. And they no. I gave them hints on stuff they could do. They stopped and kicked me out of their space ship… made me walk home… the bastards. I’m still angry I guess.
Am I the only one who thinks like this? Let me know… and don’t press the aliens about sexual stuff… unless they bring it up first
Light bulb jokes I wrote today…
March 1, 2008Q. How many crack whores does it take to change a light bulb? A. One, but her pimp has to slap the shit out of her before she’ll do it right. Q. How many Bush Administrators does it take to change a light bulb? A. Two: one to contract the job out to Halliburton and one to change the terror-alert status to ‘dark.’
