Home repair is a topic that has created a mass media ground swell in the last decade. It has, during that same period, been a statistically significant contributing factor to murder, suicide, divorce and conversion to religious faiths that favor living in trees
To properly attack a household alteration one has to have a plan, besides the obvious: punish my family and neighbors with noise, dust and language normally heard on commercial naval vessels at sea. After a cogent and attractive plan is decided upon draw it out on paper and decide how much you can afford to pay.
The next step: wad up the plan and throw it away. It will never look like that. Then, double your acceptable costs. This is the real beginning point to every household improvement project. Your plan will never be feasible, as envisioned, because the shear bulk of building codes are designed to keep contractors working, inspectors out of their offices, and homeowners in debt. These conditions require homeowners to have several alternative plans
Plan A: A stands for Arson. Torch the house and collect the insurance. This should always be a last resort but never be ruled out completely.
Plan B: B stands for Brothel. Turn the house into a brothel, torch it and collect the insurance (See plan A).
Plan C: there is no plan C.
Plan D: D stands for doghouse. After the project is complete you may have enough lumber left over to build a sturdy doghouse.
With the planning stage completed you must make a list of all the tools needed for your project. Every project requires a BFH. For those unfamiliar with the jargon of the trade there will be many items that, for the sake of time and space available, are abbreviated. Let me suffice to say, that a BFH is a type of large hammer and employees of any reputable hardware store will know this item by acronym alone.
The next tool needed is the saw. Get the biggest one you can find. One with huge whirling blades that can reduce any material to rubble, up to and included stuff found only at the center of neutron stars. With this in mind, exercise extreme caution when using these cutting tools as fingers and arms are less sturdy than the concrete foundation you may be dicing into julienne-fries sized chunks. Television programs that specialize in household projects make the use of saw look easy but they have many hours and multiple takes to get it right while the average home owner has a limited amount of time, fingers, and toes. Evidence of such violence can be calculated by counting the number of technical advisors listed in the show’s credits named “Lefty.”
The next item for a project is the regular hammer. These instruments are manufactured to hit the direct center of one’s thumb more often than the direct center of a nail. This fact has little relevance given the nature of nail production. Every third nail has a small segment of lead placed somewhere along its length. This is done to increase the number of nails purchased by the home owner and to comply with federal statutes.
Painting can be a project by itself. The painting industry has come to the aid of the average “do-it-yourselfer.” Find an air-powered paint-gun that requires a 55-gallon container of liquid camouflage to guarantee maximum spray can be dispensed in the minimum amount of time. Sit back in a lawn chair in the middle of the yard and turn the sprayer’s dial to the “hydraulic mining” setting. Aim, press the button and enjoy the benefits of modern technology. Cover everything with a thick coat of goo to insure small flaws in the exterior such as nicks, gouges, and missing trim will disappear beneath a luxuriant layer of smooth latex color. Items that don’t hold paint well or that require sunlight to work (such as plants or windows) should be replaced at this time. Taping and masking can make a homeowner crazy and windows need periodic updating, anyhow.
Color presents trouble to most men but never to women. More men are color blind than women. Shades of gray dominate a man’s world. Even the names of colors baffle and embarrass most men. Few men, not required to do so by profession or love, would volunteer “ecru” as a color descriptor. While “brownish white” would be an acceptable term from the Professional Rodeo Circuit (forget “ Brokeback Mountain”) to the average NASCAR event.
If wood is needed for your project, remember the twin adages that apply to all wood products: if it looks good it’s not long enough and knots give wood character. This means, wood putty can be a homeowner’s best friend. Use it liberally to cover the dents from hammers, ragged edges from saws, and the indentations created from banging your head into your uncompleted project.
Projects that require items such as sheet rock, stone or bricks should be left to those professionals lacking one distinct physical feature: a neck. General contractors are construction workers who figured out this fact early in their career. When possible, let someone else do the heavy work, such as your children or, when available, illegal immigrants. In other words, heavy or dangerous work should be contracted out to individuals who have no legal recourse against a homeowner.
Men be ready for problems with location. Location is a major stumbling block to those lacking the textbook definition of taste and style (basically: all heterosexual men except for Hugh Hefner). It has not been proven but I’m sure as the final stone was being set into place on the Great Pyramid of Giza one engineer’s wife pointed to a spot half a cubit to the left and asked quite innocently, “What do you think it would look like over there?”
Projects involving electricity should be tackled only by those whose significant other is competent in CPR. The only good advice in regards to electricity I can proffer is this: if it smokes when current is applied it’s probably not correct.
Given this extensive list of requirements the average homeowner may ask: why should I do any home improvement project? We do these projects for the same reason we close the lid on the toilet. Women have a taste and style all their own. Most men don’t realize that they lack the genes for “interior design” until they share their live with the fairer sex. The cave art at Lascoux was undoubtedly an early attempt at “keeping up with Og Jones” that spiraled out of control.
Once you’ve exhausted your budget, patience and that of your neighbors and family pickup the phone and open it to contractors’ listing and find a specialist in “home repair-repair.” Then, take out a second mortgage to pay the professions to do what you, as the homeowner, should have done to begin with: hire somebody who knows what they’re doing. Save yourself time, money, and your sanity… and if someone asks, tell ‘em Mr. Know-it-all sent ya.
